Welcome To Rehab

Ok, She's Earned A Few Minutes Out Of The Cage

2010-04-30T13:44:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I posted some news letting you all know Miley Cyrus' next groundbreaking single will shatter eardrums early next week - well for some reason it's already here. I'm so sorry to all of you who were expecting to have the weekend to go purchase a couple of pocket dildo's for your ears before the single was upon us. But don't worry, it really isn't that bad.

And there's a cameo from Mickey Mouse in the background if you listen carefully. Mickey always makes shit better.

Alien Princess Is Releasing Something

2010-04-29T17:14:00.000-07:00

And you know damn well it will be in my hands as soon as I muster up the strength to drive to Best Buy.

Rap-Up confirms that on May 25th, the only woman on this earth that matters is re-releasing her fourth studio album "Rated R", with ten new tracks. But not completely new - this shit will be dance remixes, mixed by man who goes by the name Chew Fu. Sounds like something that I should order with my combo meal at Panda Express. Also, this just in, it'll flop.

Here's the tracklist:

1. Mad House (Chew Fu Straight Jacket Fix)
2. Russian Roulette (Chew Fu Black Russian Fix)
3. Rockstar 101 (Chew Fu Teacher’s Pet Fix)
4. Wait Your Turn (Chew Fu Can’t Wait No More Fix)
5. Photographs (Chew Fu 35mm Fix ft. will.i.am)
6. Rude Boy (Chew Fu Bumbaclot Fix)
7. Hard (Chew Fu Granite Fix ft. Jeezy)
8. G4L (Chew Fu Guns In The Air Fix)
9. Fire Bomb (Chew Fu Molotov Fix)
10. Stupid In Love (Chew Fu Small Room Fix)

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The Sexless Mansion

2010-04-29T16:54:00.001-07:00

But in all honesty, I hope Demi Lovato buys herself a sturdy vibrator, because that's about as much action as she will be getting in this house.

Joe jonASS, one 1/3 of the virgin trio "the Jonas Brothers" bought himself a $2.5 million dollar mansion in the hills of LA. Here's some info for all of you freaky ass tweens who want to stalk him on your summer break:

Located in the Hollywood Hills
Built in 1929, so the cries you'll hear in the middle of the night aren't Joe weeping because "Queer As Folk" isn't on that night - it's probably just a ghost or someones dignity
Four bedroom, three bathroom, so if you feel like jacking off on one of his 1000-thread count cotton sheets, privacy shouldn't be a problem
A real estate agent stated it is on "the prettiest street in the neighborhood"

So that's basically it. Run wild, freaks!

SOURCE = look at the damn picture and figure it out!

I Hope They Leave Her Ass In There

2010-04-29T16:33:00.000-07:00

I truly cannot believe this is how I'm making my return to this shitty ass blog, but I hope all zero of you enjoy my maybe-return.

This is the official (I'm really not positive if this is really official, but that is the word I'm going to use) single cover for this bitches new single "Can't Be Tamed". Her government name is Destiny Hope Cyrus, but in all honesty, "this bitch" sounds much better.

When I first received this news, I was assuming Beyoncé removed her weave to let it air out for a couple of minutes. As soon as it was unleashed from her scalp, the thing went crazy. And by crazy I mean it scurried off to the kitchen and hid in the box of Little Debbie snacks Beyoncé keeps in her secret place. You know that bitch has a secret place in her kitchen. Mine is underneath the fruit basket - none of our asses in this house goes near that area unless we have guests over or something. Just to let them know we enjoy a nice fresh apple sometimes (ha!).

Anyway, look out for homegirl's single debuting May 3rd (available for download May 18th), and album dropping June 22nd.

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Beyonce Will Whoop Her Ass With A Lace Front Wig

2009-11-06T18:04:00.000-08:00

Miley Cyrus (who is also a part-time chipmunk), threw the acorn she was snacking on aside to tell America she has never heard a Jay-Z song in her life. I can already picture Beyonce ripping her stiletto off and shining it up. Bitch is going to get a Louboutin upside her big ass head!

"I've never heard a Jay-Z song."

That's the quote, so cherish it with your heart. If this bitch has never heard a Jay-Z song, then she's obviously never turned on radio, because hes owned the airwaves since like 1998. I'm sure she's been locked up in her cage in Bully Ray's Ford F-150 at some point while he sang along to "99 Problems".

Chippy Cyrus also claims she doesn't listen to pop music:

"I don't listen to pop music."

Seriously, these quotes! Homegirl really knows how to talk to the press. Typically you couldn't get a 16-year-old to shut the hell up, but it seems like you have to reward her with a fresh acorn to say more than 5 words.

I find that near impossible since she works for Disney, and Disney is basically pop music. Mickey Mouse would not be rocking out to anything else!

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Attention Residents Of Jeonju, Get Off The Road!!!

2009-11-06T16:59:00.000-08:00

A South Korean woman, Cha Sa-soon (pictured above), who is also about as old as a Bible (68 years-old), finally passed the multiple-choice test needed to receive her license. Usually when I hear there is a multiple-choice test coming up, I know that shit is going to be soooooooooooooo easy, but not for Cha! Homegirl failed the test a total of 949 times! Girl, this would of never happened if you used the tap system with a friend! 1 tap for A! 2 taps for B! 3 taps for C! 4 taps for D!

And it's not like she even passed with flying colors. She received a 60/100, which is a D-. One point away from an F. I would know, I've had like 20 of those already.

Cha has been trying to pass the test since April 13, 2005, and even became well known with the employees and test-takers.

Hold the fuck up! If some of the test takers recognize Cha, that means they've been failing that shit too many times! What the hell kind of shit do these Asians need to know for this test --- how to hand-build a Hybrid Hummer in under 15 minutes with a multiple-choice section?

Cha still has to pass the practical test before she can hit the road, so Jeonju still has a few more years of safety on the road, because she'll probably fail that too about 1,000 or so times.

Congrats Cha (stay away from Tampa, FL!)

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Sharon Osbourne Talks About Hairy Assholes

2009-11-05T12:55:00.000-08:00

Sharon Osbourne was on Opie & Anthony the other day when, for some reason, they started talking about kitty loving Susan Boyle. These are the kinds words Sharon said:

"I like everybody to do well. Even somebody that looks like a slapped arse. God bless her. It's like, 'You go girl'. She does look like a hairy arsehole. She is a lovely lady. You just want to say 'god bless' and here's a Gillette razor."

A hairy asshole!? Susan does look like stray cat born on Friday the 13th, but a hairy asshole? Come on Sharon, maybe a kitty asshole, but not a human one! With that said, Susan still has a job, so really, Sharon shouldn't be talking!

Watch the the interview here.

Here is SuBo's tracklisting for her debut album "I Dreamed A Dream" set to release November 23rd (along with the rest of the albums for the year).

1. Wild Horses
2. I Dreamed A Dream
3. Cry Me A River
4. How Great Thou Art
5. You’ll See
6. Daydream Believer
7. Up To The Mountain
8. Amazing Grace
9. Who I Was Born To Be
10. Proud
11. The End of The World
12. Silent Night

Slap Him With Your Peen, Fergie!

2009-11-05T11:48:00.000-08:00

Fergie has an excuse to be the maddest tranny in America right now, because her main man supposedly cheated on her pissy ass! The only excuse I could see fitting Josh Duhamels' actions is if Fergie Fug decided to piss the bed again after they had an agreement to only pee on each other (some people are into shit like that). Potty train that girl!

Some ex-stripper named "I Need A Check In This Economy" (short for Nicole Forrester) claims her and Josh fucked like two rabbits in an Atlanta hotel a week after he came into the Tattletale club, where the ho works.

Tattletale club? Bitch was made to work there! I'm sure she'd rat co-worker out for 12 cents as well. She's fair like that.

Nicole also told Q100's "Bert Show" on Monday (a radio station in Atlanta):

"We did hook up and had lots of sex and we had a really, really good time. The next morning, when I left, you know, he kissed me on the cheek, really sweet guy."

Well at least he's nice, huh? Fuck the fact that you just rode a married man, he was nice, so it evens out! If you didn't already think Nicole is about as bright as a dead lightbulb, read this quote on why she regrets telling her story:

"My son's like: Mom are you doing anything different now? He doesn't want me to do this anymore. He doesn't want me to dance and I feel like I can't dance," she says. "I feel like people are just looking at me. It's just bad. It's just an uncomfortable situation with my children and all their friends know."

No bitch, he just doesn't want to go to school and be reminded of how much of a dumbass his mother is. You know all of those kids wrote how many times they Duhamel'd her ass after study hall in the bathroom stalls!

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Miss November

2009-11-05T10:40:00.000-08:00

Adam Lambert (pictured above) turned the fierceness volume up to "The Most Ridiculous Point Available" last week when he release the artwork for his upcoming album "For Your Entertainment", which will be sashaying into a store near you on November 23rd. I'm positive it will come with a packet of glitter and a free sample of LashBlast Volume Blasting Waterproof Mascara. If it doesn't, feel free to rub your mug across the CD cover. It should rub off on you.

In this occasion, I'm glad someone Photoshopped the hell out of his face, because without it his face would look like a moving Impact crater without it. Seriously, anyone who watched American Idol would know he needed a serious Proactiv Miracle in his life. Give a girl some free products!

The only thing I'm worried about is the hot ass movies my girl is going to be doing in the video for For Your Entertainment. Luckily Adam can refer to this ho to help a sista out.

Dumbass Defending Dumbass

2009-11-04T17:34:00.002-08:00

Anytime I think of a Simpson singing/acting/breathing, I feel like my world is slowly coming to an end. ASShole hoedown's around a stage and mouthing some words to some stupido lyrics, and Jessica screams a song like she's taking it up the ass with no lube. I mean, really now . . . So when I started watching Melrose Place, I was surprised I could handle ASS for the full hour the show was airing. Her acting makes me want to light my crotch on fire, but I just made sure to keep the gasoline a safe distance away from my reaching area.

Well Jessica does not feel the way I do, because her ass has now made it her new occupation to bash the writes of Melrose Place. Yeah, at least she's doing something now.

It all began last week when Jessica heard the news her stupid ass sister was fired from the show. The producers claim it was all in the story line, and she was only scheduled to be on the show temporarily (along with some other dude no one really gives a shit about). That's not the real reason though, the real reason has more bitch in it.

ASShole was real ass on set apparently. She showed up late, she couldn't act to save a dick, she demanded shit she couldn't even afford (probably) and she didn't get along with her castmates. When Heather Locklear came along, ASS started to make fun of her, saying shit like she's old.

ASS shouldn't be talking because she already looks like a skeleton with a bleeding scalp (THAT HAIR!) Heather was not feeling that shit and wanted her gone! Heather the HBIC's salary was also pretty high, so the producers couldn't afford to pay ASS in Hot Topic gift cards and Neutrogena's Anti-Wrinkle Cream. Basically Heather had ASS fired.

Back to Jessica. Jessica took her frustration out on Twitter and posted this:

"CW catching up on MP. who writes this crap? i have had bad scripts to work with, but this? thank God my sister is amazing and got you some press"

Ok Jess, first of all, how the fuck are you even criticizing someones writing when you can barely put a thought together? I'm sure the Gosselin children are already writing a tell-all about their parents, and you can't even write 3 complete sentences. And you've had bad scripts? Unless "scripts" is code word for "albums", then I don't know what the hell this bitch is talking about . . .

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Chris Brown Asks Chris Brown Questions

2009-11-04T15:29:00.000-08:00

"My thoughts [when I look back on it now] is like, 'Why did it happen?' Like, 'What was I thinking? What is wrong with you?' That's what I'm thinking with myself." That's basically the shit you'll be hearing from Chrissy in a few days.

Just when you thought The Alien Princess/Chrissy Brown soap opera would be over, MTV craps all over us.

On Friday November 6th, Sway will get to the bottom to shit, and ask Chris Brown what the hell he was thinking when his hand said hello to RihRih's face. The interview is called "Chris Brown: The Interview" (dun, dun, dun!). Don't expect anything new, because Chrissy has been saying he's sorry for slapping the fuck out of Rihanna for the past few months. He's even recorded a song about it, so if you don't forgive him now, your all probably never will.

It's taken me some time to not want to cuss his ass out everytime I see a dumbass picture of him, but I'm past that now. Rihanna forgave him, so I don't know why the hell the rest of the world can't.

Chrissy said he mostly did it out of "anger" and that "Young people, we do before we think." Yeah, thanks for explaining Einstein. I think Sean Preston could of told us the same thing about 9 months ago . . .

Click here to see a short clip of the interview airing Friday.

Rihanna Reminds Us The Wait Is Ova For The 80th Time

2009-11-04T14:45:00.000-08:00

Judging from the picture above (also the cover of her upcoming album 'Rated R'), Rihanna is sick of this shit too. I had the same reaction when I heard 'Wait Your Turn'.

Ok, I love this bitch as much as the next soon-to-be-converting-alien-American, but this is just ridiculous. It seems like every song this intergalactic creature makes, she has to repeat herself 40 times in the chorus alone.

Now lets get to the video: W T F?

Ok, I know where in a recession and all, but damn! I mean, the video looks like it was bought using a teachers salary. I get the whole theme is supposed to be grunge and whatnot, but atleast get a videocamers made in this decade. That shit looked like something from the 90s! And the clothing didn't help either!

I'm starting to think RihRih lost an eye, because her ass is forever wearing an eyepatch or some big ass sunglasses. At one point she was covered up from the pussy down (which she kept grabbing like she stole Chrissy's balls and super-glued them to herself) while it was -20 degrees outside. Then the next show she was exposed from the pussy up! Bitch, pick one!

I think at one point she was in some sort of Catholic church completely covered grabbing her pussy some more like the Priests really want to witness that! Girl please! You know what they're into!

I can't even start on the dancing because I look the same way after a Vodka and RedBull mix.

Click here to watch the video. Don't be surprised if you wake up in the middle of the night screaming "THE WAIT IT OVA, THE WAIT IS OVA!"

Also, here is the tracklist for "Rated R" which releases November 23 (the tracks in bold have already leaked/released):
1. Mad House
2. Wait Your Turn
3. Hard featuring Jeezy
4. Stupid In Love
5. ROCKSTAR 101 featuring Slash
6. Russian Roulette
7. Fire Bomb
8. Rude Boy
9. Photographs featuring will.i.am
10. G4L
11. Te Amo
12. Cold Case Love
13. The Last Song

Alien Princess Speaks To Diane Sawyer

2009-11-04T14:19:00.000-08:00

On Friday November 6th, Diane Sawyer will be making history by having the very first interview with a breathing alien on planet Earth. Ok, so she's really talking to Rihanna, but a bitch can dream.

Although the first paragraph was about a fact-filled (not a word) as the book Where The Wild Things Are, there was some truth: this will be the first interview Rihanna has had since that intimate day where her face met Chrissy Browns hand.

Alien Princess will be talking about shit like growing up (boring), her family (hand me a Snuggie so I can fall asleep), what the hell she's been doing these past nine months (ok, I'm waking up now), and of course, "the incident" (my ass is up!).

Make sure and tune into to ABC at 10:00-11:00 p.m., ET (aka, when Lindsay Lohan wakes up from a night of pAAArtying) to hear all of the good details.

RihRih will also be stopping by Good Morning America the day before (tomorrow), to preform or something.

SOURCE

Stay tuned . . .

2009-11-04T13:50:00.000-08:00

Since When Is Gay Marriage Legal?

2009-09-27T19:00:00.001-07:00

I just do not understand? LA will let these two men get married, and they've been rubbing peens together for a good two minutes, but other gays that have been together since they were 10 aren't allowed to? THIS WORLD!

Anyway, Khloe Kardashian finally did the impossible: found a man, and got married to it. Seriously, if you suffer through 'Keeping Up With The Kardashians' weekly like I do, you would of never guessed homeboy would find a man. Even Kris has to encourage her son to bump it with someone.

Khloe stuffed her peen into a Vera Wang dress and was walked down the isle by her plastic stepfather Bruce Jenner. How the fuck did they get his ass down the isle? He can barely move his forehead, let alone walk properly. He probably looked like a drunk Lohan trying to figure out how to use his legs again.

Anyway, Khloe's new husband, Lamar Odom had support from the LA Lakers (the team he plays streetball on), including Kobe Bryant. No word yet on if Kobe fucked the bride during the walk to the limo.

Congrats men!

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Valentine's Day Just Got Shittier

2009-08-12T10:16:00.001-07:00

As if Valentine's Day just wasn't shitty enough, we now have a new reason to want to burn our privates with bleach and some old matches complete with a Hello Kitty Lighter.

All we know, that is official about the movie, is it's set to be released in 2010, and is basically about a group of couples who have connecting stories in Los Angeles during Valentine's Day. Think of it as a "Love, Actually" [don't worry, I've never heard of it either] sequel with a huge ass cast.

Julia Roberts, Anne Hathaway, Jessica Alba, Jessica Biel, Jennifer Garner, Shirley MacLaine, Bradley Cooper and Ashton Kutcher are just a few of the ho's who signed their name on the dotted line to be apart of this upcoming box office hit. Seriously, I can already see this making more than all of the Star Wars, Lord of the Rings and Harry Potter movies in the first hour. You can see the full cast here; I'm not typing all of that shit out.

I was thisclose to giving this movie my full consent, but the bitches in charge of the casting really fucked me over. Joe jonASS is currently in talks to join this movie. There is no word on what role he'll be fucking up, but I'm hoping it's one of these rumored character plots:

"Roberts is an army officer on leave from Iraq on a flight to L.A. Cooper, on the same flight, is a gay man whose lover is a closeted football player."

Please let him be the closeted football player! It's his life story [minus the football part, like homegirl would wear those rags, puh-lease!]! Shit, I'll even write to the gays in charge of wardrobe to have someone bedazzle a helmet for him! And I'll email the director telling him to write him in as the quarterback! His asshole would start puckering up like a tween on their first date!

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Wrong! Wrong! Wrong!

2009-08-11T18:25:00.001-07:00

Take a look at these three young ladies America. This is what I like to call "fucking wrong, wrong wrong!" in a shouting voice.

Let's pout over to Jessica Alba first: To begin with, does this bitch ever smile? It seems like everytime I see a picture of her, she's making that "someone just jizzed all over my new Chanel" face. Put a smile on ho! Anyway, while I'm not about to give her anything higher than a D- for this doodie, she's the best of the bunch. I would suggest a neon pink wig [something hot like what BirtBrit rocked in her Vicodin days] with some neon blue and green layers. Bitch needs some sort of brightness in her life.

Now well stumble over to Kat Von D, because that's the only reason I'll let her pass/fail with a F-; bitch had to be drunk. It looks like someone balled her hair up, threw some old bedsheets over her shoulders and poured a bowl of Brooke Hogan's peroxide over her head. I even see a little hint of grey near the top. The asshole who did this to her was probably late for a gynecologist appointment and threw up her hands while saying "fuck it" and ran out of that joint.

Lastly, let's drop our big asses around Kimmy Kardashian. I was actually feelin' this look the first full day I saw it, then I said to myself "bitch got it all wrong!" in the dead of night. She looks like a completely different porn star! The only way I would be able to confirm this is Kimmy is but checking out her ass, or looking at one of her Daddy Long Leg eyelashes.

Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the Class of 200&Fail!

Anything Else Joe?!

2009-08-11T18:06:00.000-07:00

Joe Jackson stood on the tallest box he could find at Neverland Ranch [he's planning on selling it on Ebay as soon as he's done talking], so he could give us an update on his late son [and former paying boss] Michael Jackson. Everyone read this over a toilet/trashcan, because it'll make you throw some shit up.

Joe tells E! News his son is "still not buried". He also shouts [via megaphone] that Vegas would be a great place to bury him, and that he believe "the fans will come".

No word yet on how much he'll charge for the tickets, but expect to skip on those mortgage payments for the next two years, because the Original Chrissy Brown will most def charge your ass something ridiculous to see his son be buried. Because that's what funerals are all about, making that ca$h!

Joe, however, did decline to release any specific details about the burial or if he's in Barry Gordy's crypt for now, but you know his ass will as soon as the everything is confirmed.

Usually I would praise anyone who roams the streets with painted on eyebrows and mustache, but this ho is having my Chola radar blink rapidly. Something is not right with his ass-whooping ass!

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You Too Can Look Like A Tranny With A Flat Ass For $19.95!

2009-08-11T12:45:00.000-07:00

As if Heidi Montag's day isn't already booked [it's a stressful having camera's follow you around as you shop in expensive boutiques], she's generous enough to bless us with a workout video! You too can look like a fucking reality whore who belongs in Wal*Mart's $5.50 or less bin. All the way at the bottom of the bin.

We can all piss on Char Waterbury for this shit. He's responsible for it! Just send all of your hate mail to his inbox. He'll just nod his head in agreeably. I'm sure he was ready to reenact moves from the Chrissy Brown Vs. Alien Princess Grammy Night Beatdown after spending 2 minutes with her. It's the only responsible way to relive yourself.

One thing that ran into me like an angry Lohan in a Cadillac Escalade was the part where it says "A beautiful, 51 page program that outlines the 6-week training and nutrition steps". What a low blow to the word "beautiful". Nothing is beautiful with a Pratt/Montag on the cover. Expect the word "beautiful" to take Waterbury to court over "a total piece of shit description".

One of my main problems is that this POS is $19.95! The only way you could get someone to by this [with the exception of Spencer] is if it came free with every gynecologist exam. And even then, I could see bitches denying it.

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You Go, Homegirl!

2009-08-11T11:31:00.000-07:00

Today somewhere in the world [we could careless really] Jennifer Hudson and her fiancée David Daniel "Punk" Otunga welcomed their first child named David Daniel Otunga Jr.

Punk became hot shit after being on the second season of I Love New You 2. He placed like 3rd or something and started crying when he was eliminated. That's all I really cared about , as you can tell.

I would like to make this post a little bit more cheerful and say thank you Jennifer and David. Thank you for naming you child something I can type without wanted to beat myself in the face with an iron over.

Jenny's publicist [Lisa Kasteler] said the two had a "beautiful and perfect" son, who weighed in at 7 pounds, 14 ounces (3.2 kilograms) when he was born on Monday."

No word yet on if her came out belching some hot song with amazing vocals like his mother.

Congrats!

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Channing Chippendale Tatum

2009-08-11T11:01:00.000-07:00

Channing Tatum [from groundbreaking box-office hits (don't worry, you've never heard of them) such as "Supercross", "She's The Man", and "Fighting"] obviously did some under-the-table-favors to get in the career he is in now, because there is no way in hell someone would pass this piece up. Shit, if I was in his presence, I would transform into a gay man [well say Clay Aiken] and start rubbing my bumbumhole all over Chippy.

Anyway, beck to the story. Chippy started backing it up in 1999 [when he was the tender age of 18] for a few dollas and a reach around. He went by the name Chan Crawford and worked at "Male Encounters" for just under a year in South Florida. Somewhere in a shady bathroom with a gloryhole, Chase Crawford is asking if they are related and if it's considered insect if he teaches him a few moves? Oh Chase . . .

London Steele [sounds like a classy pornstar with 5 welfare babies and 3 shaved cats at home] said Chippy was pretty shy in the beginning, but he really knew how to bust a nut all over the dancefloor.

This seems plausible. Chippy really busted a few hot moves in "Step Up". It's a shame he didn't dust off the ole' assless chaps and shake his shit all over a pole like the good old days.

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Whoops . . .

2009-08-11T09:58:00.000-07:00

I apologize for my lack of posting this past month [aka, it was Happy Hour for a month straight for me!] I've had some family come in from god knows where, so I've been busy killing them with my stories, and slowly attempting suicide while listening to them. I never knew how unbearable some hos can be until now.

It seems like their all over the age of 200, so you know how that is. Wake up a 6AM sharp, take a 20min piss [15mins to try to get off the toilet], eat some Corn Flakes, take a nap until 1PM [with bathroom breaks inbetween], eat a sandwich, take another nap until Wheel Of Fortune comes on [with dinner], go to sleep no later than 9PM. Hardcore shit!

Posting should pick up by today, after I buy my copy of Hot Mess [your ass should buy it too!]. Yes, my cheap ass is buying something.

Stay tuned . . .

Also - The Green Lantern Is Thinking About Adopting

2009-07-11T18:15:00.000-07:00

Yeah, that last post most likely left you rubbing your bumhole for more Ryan Reynolds news, so here's another story.

Scarlett Johansson and Ryan Reynlods, who got married late year in Canada (yay Canadians!), have decided they rather not deal with joys of morning sickness and pregnancy cravings anytime soon, so they want to adopt. Uh huh, you and the rest of Hollywood!

Ryan told Glamour Magazine (why the hell was he talking to them?): "My oldest brother is adopted and I have every intention of adopting at some time; I'm very grateful for having my brother in my life - I couldn't be more pro-adoption."

Why don't you just sit on the sideline, Ryan, and let Saint Angelina Jolie and Vadge do all of the adopting recruiting. Your story is nice, but it's all talk until you make your move. I'm sure Saint Angelina would of already been filling out the adoption papers to adopt the person that was interviewing her. So what if the woman was in her early 30's? She still is capable of being adopted!

To twist the story up a little, Harper's Bazaar asked Scarlett if the two were planning on starting a family and she basically threw her hands up and super-glued her vagina lips shut before the interviewer could get the question out:

"I'm not pregnant nor will I be any time soon."

You might not be (or want to be) knocked up anytime soon, but your tittay sacks are giving me the exact opposite answer:
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We Have A New Green Lantern!

2009-07-11T16:57:00.000-07:00

We should all cross our fingers together and pray to the DC God's that Martin Campbell will somehoe (typo, but I like it?) fit this into the script. That fat suit was the one of the best things that Ryan Reynold's could of put on. Bitch has like a 16-pack. I hate him so much. I could hire Madonna's steroid dealer, The Rock's personal trainer and do Taebo for the next 12 years and still not look like this ho. If I'm lucky, I'll lose a few ounces.

Justin Timberfake and Bradley Cooper were both on their hands and knees doing favors they are probably not proud of to try to snatch the role of The Green Lantern for the upcoming live action DC Comic's film based on the hero (or potential fail), but their game was not as tight as Ryan's, because he got the part; *cut to Scarlett Johansson screaming in a pillow due to her lack of work*.

The studio is still trying to figure out how much they want to shell out for the budget, but filming is supposed to start in January. That should be enough time for Ryan to work on his 34-pack.

Greg Berlanti wrote the script with his HBIC's Marc Guggenheim and Michael Green. And Donald DeLine will produce with Berlanti. We don't know who the hell these people are, so don't even bother looking them up. If this movie turns out good, then maybe I'll Google them. Maybe!

Expect the movie to be out June 17, 2011.

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Run Angie, Run!

2009-07-09T17:58:00.001-07:00

Somewhere on earth, Saint Angelina Jolie is running to a public pool in Egypt anticipating on swimming all night long. Why you ask? Because bitch wants somemore BABIES!!!

I'm positive as soon as she heard about this she dropped Shiloh, kicked Pax out of the way, and shoved Zahara into a glass door to dip her embryo loving ass in the pool. It's like her version of "The Fountain of Youth".

Magdalena Kwiatkowska, a 13 year-old from Warsaw, Portland, is knocked up. Usually I could just stop the post right here is be satisfied, but that will not do today. Her mama is suing the hotel in Egypt because she believed Magdalena got preggers from the pool!

That pool is such a slut. He was probably tired of the lack of sexual attention he was getting, and decided to choose his victim wisely. You would be tired too if people took a little dip in your fluids and then walked away complaining "it's too cold" or "it's too hot to be in here". The nerve!

The dumbass mother is also sure her daughter had no contact with boys while she was there.

Unless the two are conjoined at the vagina, bitch knows nothing!

I can't hate though, some people will do anything in this economy! Maybe I should sue someone too since it seems to be "in". I think I'll go for Mimi for making me waste my valuable time with this song. Good thing I like her other music and her . . .

Source

A Second Helping Of Shit To Release In 2010

2009-07-09T09:32:00.000-07:00

The breeding ground of all things hell (Disney) confirmed yesterday that "Camp Rock 2: The Final Jam" is to start filing this late summer and going to be released in the spring of 2010. As much as I want to bash this movie (an will, don't you worry), I know I'll be watching this shit with a razor blade in one hand and a bottle of Greygoose in the other.

The plot basically came from "Romeo & Juliet", but with a tween twist. I guess little Nick had some summer reading this year!

So most of the bitches return to Camp Rock this year anticipating another great summer (sounds like a concentration camp to me), only to find their most talented friends have moved on to the new rival camp: Camp Star. This confirms why the Jonas Ho's are not some of the talent (I use that term loosely in this post) that moved to the new camp.

So since their so "edgy and different", the two camps battle this shit out in the "Battle of the Bands", but while everyone is practicing and shit, Nick falls in love with the rival camp's owners daughter.

This is getting too intense, I don't know if I can take anymore?

The director of this film, Paul Hoen, is responsible for two other Disney channel movies, such as "Jump In!" and "The Cheetah Girls: One World". And the choreographer, Rosero McCoy, did that "Step Up" movie.

Source

What A Delicious Death!

2009-07-08T20:28:00.001-07:00

A chocolate factory in Camden, New Jersey is claiming that a 29 (or 22, I read someplace else, the age is still not confirmed) -year-old man that worked in the factory died after falling in a chocolate vat. Talk about a delicious way to go down; this sounds too good to be true. *Que the complementary drums*

Apparently all good things must come to an end, because Jason Laughlin says he somehow slipped himself into the vat and some damn piece of equipment hit him, which cause him to float on to a Hershey filled Heaven. Ummmm.

The vat was about eight feet deep. So about the depth of an average swimming pool's deep end? I could of swallowed (shhh) my way up to safety. I wish I was lucky enough to save him. That I would of (on a stomach full of glucose).

Laughlin also said there was no suspected foul play and the man died instantly.

What a weird ass way to die? Atleast he died surrounded by sweets and incredibility.

Source

Lil' Kim - Is That You?

2009-07-08T19:43:00.000-07:00

The first thing that came to mind.

The only woman I know that would walk around in public looking like this is no other than the incredible feline woman herself - Lil' Kim.

Bitch looks like a hot. ass. mess. down to the fingers! Either she was giving a nasty Handy J and forgot to wash the KY Jelly off of her hands, or . . . well that's the only excuse fitting for Kimmy.

Here is the official album artwork for Cobra Starship's upcoming album "Hot Mess".

That was really kind of them to pay for Kimmy's new manicure. It's a recession, and she'll get that damn manicure no matter hot much of a mess she'll have to look! Here is the tracklisting and the link to their new single "Good Girls Go Bad (Feat. Blair Waldorf)".

1. Nice Guys Finish Last
2. Pete Wentz is the Only Reason We're Famous
3. Good Girls Go Bad (Feat. Leighton Meester)
4. Fold Your Hands Child
5. You're Not In On the Joke
6. Hot Mess
7. Living In the Sky With Diamonds
8. Wet Hot American Summer
9. The Scene Is Dead - Long Live The Scene
10. Move Like You Gonna Die
11. The World Will Never Do (Feat. B.O.B.)

iTunes Bonus Tracks
12. I May Be Rude But I'm the Truth
13. New Edition

Deluxe Edition
12. I May Be Rude But I'm the Truth
13. Cobra's Never Say Die
14. Good Girls Go Bad (Suave Suarez on Pleasure Ryland Remix)
15. Good Girls Go Bad (Isom Innis Remix)
16. Good Girls Go Bad (Cash Cash Remix)

Source

[Rumor] Olivia Kendall Had One Of Those Baby Things?

2009-07-08T19:13:00.001-07:00

Yeah, she did if you want to believe AllieIsWired and MusiqQueen. I know the sites are about as reliable as a 1971 Ford Pinto, but just nod your head and agree with them.

Alright, so AllieIsWired is reporting that Olivia popped that sucker out sometime today in the ATL: leaving out key information like when the hell did Olivia hit puberty?

They do tell us though, she named the baby Lilliana Pearman and the father is Jussie Smollet. No one knows who the fuck he is, so let's just keep it that way before Mr. Cosby whoops some ass so late at night. It's probably past his bedtime by now.

The site even has a picture of the new baby looking wide awake. I thought newborns sleep until someone wakes their ass up by staring at them in their crib making sure their breathing (MOM!)

The poor newborn has a name only fitting for an organic chef who has her own show on Food Network and is working on a book of organic recipes under 100 calories and prepared in under 10 minues. Fuck that, hand me a Hot Pocket and lets call it a day. I'll drink a Sprite with that, it's probably healthier then a Coke & Red Bull combo.

Next we have MusiqQueen.

This bitch is reporting that Olivia had the baby earlier this Summer, which is why she's been keeping a low profile all this time. Come to think of it, the last time I remember seeing Olivia is when that POS "College Roadtrip" movie came out, like last year?

The thing I do not understand is Olivia has been touring this summer, promoting her failed album "Raven-Symone". So if she had the baby this Summer, and she's been touring this Summer, bitch must of shot that thing out and hopped on the plane to her next fair ground she was performing at?

It just doesn't match up. And if she did have a baby, wouldn't she want to wipe it's ass after it shits and rock it to sleep reminiscing about the days when she had a steady income?

Anyway, I'm not really believing this shit, but I posted it since it was something interesting to babble about.

If anyone that lives in Washington is reading this, hold up a sign asking her ass tonight if she's going home to squeeze some leche for the future Food Network host!

Here are a list of her upcoming concerts:

07/08/2009 Washington DC — Baltimore, MA
07/09/2009 Great Adventure — Jackson, NJ
07/23/2009 Discovery Kingdom — San Francisco, CA
07/25/2009 Elitch Gardens Theme Park — Denver, CO
08/01/2009 TBA — Springfield, MO
08/02/2009 Visionland Theme Park — Bessemer, AL
08/14/2009 The Jackson County Fair — Jackson, MI

Source #1 / Source #2

Ron Weasley Had It

2009-07-04T18:43:00.000-07:00

No you stupid sluts, I was not talking about Viagra (look at his limp wand in his hand, he looks so upset), I'm talking about the Swine! Bitch had the Swine Flu! I hope he did not pass it on to Hermione Jean Granger! I have a feeling Ron and Hermione have been gettin' in on behind Harry's back while he was in his broom closet, or where ever the hell he spent his summers, waxing his Firebolt.

While Hermione's Leaky Caludron was begging for more, Harry spent his nights with an owl. FHL (Fuck His Life)!

But to the story, Ron Weasley is recovering from a small bout of the Swine.

His publicist stood on the highest building in London and screamed he took a few days off from filming the latest Harry Potter movie to deal with his pig shit.

He also finished by saying Ron has fully recovered and is looking forward to to attending the promotions and premiers with the rest of his castmates next week.

If I was anywhere near this flamehead, I would make sure I had Hermione around me at all times. As soon as he coughed, I'm sure her ass would whip out a wand and stop that mess dead in it's tracks!

With that said, expect to hear rumors about those two slipping out of Hogwarts (sounds like something similar to what I had a few weeks ago) with an invisibility cloak and an invisibility box of Trojans sexing in the Whomping Willow.

SOURCE

Quick & Easy

2009-07-04T15:40:00.000-07:00

Bitches in Maryland just don't play around. If your ever in Maryland, and just so happen to give birth, pull that sucker out, wrap it in some napkins, and slam on the gas to another state; it'll be much safer.

So, sometime this year (who gives an eff about the specific date, the story is just plain fucked up), an innocent gem of a woman name Candy Michelle Vignari (sounds like a popular stripper who encourages her customers to give tips upfront), 44, gave birth to baby! Awww, so cute and pure. Yeah, not really.

Instead of embracing the newborn and loving it like one of her own, bitch gave birth to the baby in a porta-potty and threw it in the toilet. After giving birth, Candy walked outside and asked a pedestrian for a cigarette. Many of you are probably giving "What the fuck?" faces to your computer screen right now, and I am joining you! It must be hard work giving birth, only to toss the baby away like it's an old Little Mommy baby doll.

That baby is going to have a serious case of secondhand smoke. The nerve!

I'm assuming after this Candy starting walking around the porta-potty, which is where this nosy ho comes in: John Lednum. John says he knew some shit was wrong when he saw a ho walking around the potty with a trail of blood following her.

Rude. He could of atleast offered her some Wet Ones and gave her a Tide toGo Pen!

While all of this light activity was going to, the cigarette bearing pedestrian called 911, and the Sherlock Holmes-type cops gave us some groundbreaking information.

At this time, the cops just pulled up in their shortbus, Candy began to run back to the potty, magically had a towel in her hand, and retrieved the baby from the toilet. Oh! Now she's a magician and a loving parent!

Apparently Candy was attempting to "abandon the child". No fucking shit! They must of got their badge from the makers of Beverly Hills Cop.

The only thing that saved the child was the trash occupying the toilet. Without the trash, the poor baby most likely would of died, thanks to it's dumbass mother.

Let's all cross our privates and hope this bitch gets locked up in an all womens prison and never gets to ride another dick again!

Source

This Shit Is Over.

2009-06-11T14:53:00.001-07:00

After restless nights of wondering how she could make some more cash off of Usher, Tameka finally quit that shit and is now on the stroll for another barely legal fuck friend.

According to InTouch, divorce paperwork was filled in Atlanta for these two boiled pieces of ham to unhook the cock rings that joined them. There's no way in hell I will believe Tameka was born without a working pair of balls and a scrotum. Bitch looks like she could dick slap the hell out of someone; especially her man in that picture above. He's looking at her with those "Don't you fucking touch that shit" eyes, and she's giving the "I'll take another servant" look. I love it.

Anyway, I can back up Tameka though. Homegirl knew what she was doing this whole time. She would get Usher to rub up on her twice, queef out two children, and be on her merry way. That's how a real gold-digger does it. Hail Tameka!

Apparently this has been going on for a while too. Remember when Tammy popped out her last child, Naviyd, and like two minutes later went to Brazil to get the fat drained from her body? Yeah, me either, but it happened. Well Usher didn't even know she was doing that shit.

The two have also been living in separate houses for some time now. Usher is in a new house, Tammy kept Ushers. I guess her anus kicked his ass out of there. You know homegirl is one of those types to just bitch about everything, so he had to GTFO.

Naviyd probably spit up on Usher a little, and her reaction was "You two need to get the fuck out of this house before you mess out my Lion skinned rug! Fucking bitches!" Usher tucked his dick inbetween his legs and walked out of the house.

Anyway, only by best wishes to you. Get that money and shake that ass until you are financially stable.

SOURCE

Nick Is Gonna Get It Tonight!

2009-06-08T13:51:00.000-07:00

. . . and I did not mean that in a sexy way. This past weekend Vivendi Entertainment released that movie "Tennessee" which stars A-List actors such as Ethan Peck, Adam Rothenberg, and Mariah Carey, pictured above with her assistant/husband Nick Cannon.

If we quickly jump back into 2001, we will relive the masterpiece that is "Glitter". As if that Oscar-worthy film was not enough to keep casting directors far a fucking way from Mariah, someone gives her another chance. That's nice and all, but Mariah in a movie is the equivalent of allowing 12 hungry Pitbulls to roam a Boy's And Girl's Club freely; that shit is not a wise decision.

So while the rest of America was dropping their 401k money to see "The Hangover" and "Up", about 10 unlucky American's shelled out some pocket change to see "Tennessee", and it bombed . . . worse than Glitter. I didn't even know that was possible. I'm sure if I interviewed the cast of Glitter right now, they would be clueless about the movie. They would probably refer me to a gay 70s porno or something hairy like that.

So out of the 15 theaters it was released in, it averaged about $670 per theater. Mariah spends that much on her daily Hello Kitty cupcakes and butterfly jewelry.

Mariah's time will come though. As long as she sings this hot song from the movie, things will be better (and by better I mean worse).

For some reason, I can just see Mariah beating Nick's ass with a stiletto tonight. It's going to be his fault the movie failed! His fault the reviews have been mediocre! Nick better hide in her closet and save his self some time before she finds him. I give him atleast a full month.
SOURCE

Bitch Must Of Constantly Been In This Position.

2009-06-06T14:25:00.000-07:00

Half of the dynamic duo "Twitt & Twatt" has finally mastered one beautiful task of being a ho: sucking everything until you finally achieve what you dreamt of! Bitch's knees must need some serious TLC, because Twatt finally got a record deal. Not only does she have a special ho to deliver us some shitty vocals, but the complication of POS vocals will be released July 7th of this year.

Goodbye 06 / 06 / 06, hello 07 / 07 / 09! Oh, and as for that "record label" Twitt is signed to, her and Twatt have their own independent label; Heidi Montag Records. While your laughing so hard shit is about to come out of your ears, look at the amazing artists signed. Now look away before you contemplate committing suicide.

Stevie Wonder is even shaking his braided hair. They sure don't sound like they used to he's thinking. The album is set to be titled "Unleashed". As in "I wish the producers on 'I'm A Celebrity . . ." unleashed a pack of starving lions and a cage full of angry cobras for their asses the 12 seconds they were apart of the show". If your still interested (which you shouldn't be), here is the tracklisting, I might of fucked it up a bit, MIGHT!

1. "Unleashed"
2. "Me Vs U"
3. "In The Hot Seat"
4. "Hump Whatever It Takes (To Get The Album Out By July)"
5. "True Loving (Cums In Record Deals)"
6. "Party Is Wherever I Am"
7. "Look How I'm Fucking (So Do I Get The Job?)"
8. "Your Love Found Me"
9. "Turn Ya Head (So I Can Suck An Extra Three Songs Out Of You)"
10. "More Is More"
11. "Black Out"
12. "Sex Ed"
13. "Nice To See You (In A Position Other Than On Your Back)"
14. "Hope And Pray"

Someone Better Get This Bitch A Good Present!

2009-06-04T10:24:00.000-07:00

If you were wondering why the Heavens all of a sudden got much brighter, and a group of homeless orphans all of a sudden were bundled up in a brand new bed with a new family, wonder no more, because it is Saint Angelina's birthday!

Yes, Saint Angelina is now 34 years old.

There is nothing more to accomplish with her life, so she might as well just roll around in her millions and eat a "$100s Bill Sheet Cake" with the fam. The only thing I hope and pray is that one of her 12 million children got her a good gift. If not, someone is going out back in the yard and re-creating the scene (pictured above) from Wanted!

A Single Lady Dancing To Single Ladies.

2009-06-03T17:16:00.001-07:00

No, this isn't a screen shot from an upcoming cycle of America's Next Top Model (but I'm sure I just gave Tyra an idea), but the thing was born with a working penis, I think?, and a body full of fabulousness!

Yes, your right! It is Joe Jonas!

Bitch put on his Sunday best, you know he struts into Bible study wearing something similar to this outfit, and shook his ass for the camera. Some say it was a bet he lost, some say he did it for the fans, because 10 year olds love looking at lady boys shake some ass in an outfit their older sister is planning on wearing to the mall Saturday.

If you think you can handle enough gay activity until these ho's put up a new video on their YouTube account, click here to watch it. It's starts to become unbearable at the 0:01 mark.

PS: This reminds me of the same moves my grandmother was doing when she fell down the stairs last summer, only she wasn't dancing . . .

Beth Ditto Must Be Hungary.

2009-06-03T16:55:00.000-07:00

That is the only excuse I am willing to accept from her. Bitch must be delusional without her hourly order of McDonald's Double Quarter Pounder with Cheese, Big N' Tasty with Cheese, McRib (with extra sauce), Large French Fries, and four Double Chocolate Layer Cake (three with sprinkles, one with Oreo pieces on top).

Beth Shitto decided to share her opinions with "Attitude" magazine about Katy Perry, and her hit single "I Kissed A Girl". Just when I thought this song would go burn in a fire and be done with, Shitto decided to give some statement only a fatass would eat up.

"Straight girls who like to turn guys on by making out or like faking gay". Beth politely adds, "I hate Katy Perry! She's offensive to gay culture, I'm so offended. She's just riding on the backs of our culture, without having to pay any of the dues and not being actually lesbian or anything at all. She's on the cover of a fucking gay magazine."

I love how she adds the part about being on the cover of a gay magazine cover, as if that has anything to do with fuck. Katy is gayer than gay. Bitch probably farts giltter and hearts on the toilet.

Shitto also called Katy a "boner dyke".

Woah, Shitto, don't punish me with a good time! I would take "boner dyke" as a compliment if she called me that. I would run to Wal*Mart and buy a pack of "My Name Is . . ." stickers quicker than Shitto could eat a five-course meal. Well maybe not? Bitch does have a digestive system similar to a elephant, Kristie Alley and Takeru Kobayashi.

[Source]

Pink Hates Skin.

2009-06-02T18:34:00.000-07:00

If you were ever curious about what singer Pink, the one shaped like a Lego on the right, think about Kanye West, this picture will do you no justice, because homegirl hates her some Kanye!

Because I'm a lazy ass teenager, I do not know where the hell this conversation started from, but it ended brutally. Pink was allegedly quoted as saying "There are so many people who I think are a waste of skin and he's up there." The outspoken singer and animal rights activist says she was "grossed out" by Kanye West when the rapper complained that there wasn't enough fur at a recent fashion show.

If you didn't love Pink before. you ass better be bowing down to her now, and following her every move (just add her on Twitter and I'll let you live). I love discussing topics about Kanye, because no matter what you say about him, I know he'll be having a caps-filled rant about it over at his blog. I wish his ass would quit with the caps; I'm sure he's already yelling as he's typing his sentences, because he's such a dumbass, but the caps is like having Tyra Banks scream at you after you laugh in her face during some criticism.

A Wave Of New Trannies Will Arrive.

2009-06-02T18:06:00.000-07:00

New Moon, the sequel to Twilight, hasn't even released yet and there are already rumors about the next film after New Moon casting. If this isn't a reason to take a knife you your wrists, then give me a fucking explanation via airplane message in sky, because I have a butter knife in my hand right now!

According to some ho over at E!, the casting directors for Eclipse, the third book in the Twilight shit saga, are looking for a ridiculous looking man to play a new role.

Riley “is a handsome, blond, clean-cut college boy who falls victim to Victoria,” the notice reads. He’s in his early to mid 20s and “plays an integral role in Victoria’s attempt to murder Bella Swan.”

There are two more members of the Quileute tribe and La Push wolf pack in Eclipse. Like New Moon, they are looking for Native American or First Nations actors to fill the roles.

“Seth Clearwater is a “tall, gangly-limbed boy with a huge, happy grin,” the notice reads. “Seth idolizes Jacob.”

Seth’s big sister is 19-year-old Leah Clearwater and the only female member of La Push: “She is tall and slender with beautiful skin and short cropped black hair. She would be considered gorgeous if not for the perpetual scowl she carries due to a broken heart and her anger issues.”

Yes I noticed there was a part for a ho named Leah, but all of the Twilight fangirls that were reading this obviously stopped after the first sentence. They all went through menopause and a minor alcohol abuse stage within 3 seconds it took them to read the quote. Bitches are dragging their parents out of their job to set up an appointment with a local surgeon. Don't forget the Oscar Myer wiener and two Jaw Breakers they will have in their purse, just incase things don't pan out.

|Source|

That's My Girl!

2009-06-02T11:47:00.000-07:00

Waking up this morning I knew it was going to be a hot day. Not in the sense that it's hotter than Tommy Lee's swing set droopy balls, but in the sense that some ho activity was going on. I could feel my throat closing up, and that's always a sign something bad is happening. Or maybe some sick ho spread their Swine in my breathing areas? Artist of the Millennium, Christina Milian, and Catch of the Century, The-Dream are about to make beautiful moans together' bitch is engaged. I'm not sure who purchased the cock ring, but the only steady income around Milly is The-Dream, so that should be a hint.

The two have been making the gossip rounds (strictly on slow news days) because Milly was spotted on beach with a new rock on her hand. This is probably the most jewelry she's worn in a hot minute, bitch has been unsuccessful in everything for a long ass time. The last memory I have of a Milly song in "AM to PM", and I heard it on an airplane (no lie). You would have to drug me with some hard shit to get my ears to open up for that song.

I can't hate though, Milly apparently fucked The-Dream for some track for her upcoming album "Elope", so I have to appreciate a true ho who sticks to traditional values.

Anyway, congrats ho's. And welcome back Milly's career! You should be a hot topic for a few minutes today!

SOURCE

A Different Kind Of Queen

2009-05-29T08:37:00.000-07:00

While the world is still deciding if Adam Lambert is gay or not (just Google Images his name and you'll have your answer) the band Queen is about to make Adam squirt glitter and glucose from his no-no hole.

Brian May, lead guitarist of Queen, finished scrubbing his head on some pavement and told Rolling Stone Magazine this shit: “Amongst all that furor, there wasn’t really a quiet moment to talk. But [drummer Roger Taylor] and I are definitely hoping to have a meaningful conversation with him at some point. It’s not like we, as Queen, would rush into coalescing with another singer just like that. It isn’t that easy. But I’d certainly like to work with Adam. That is one amazing instrument he has there.”

Apparently that was code for "Adam Lambert is now a member of Queen", because all over the place people have been going crazy over this shit, and not the good crazy. I'm pretty sure the disabled class at my school started rolling their asses over to San Fransisco so they could personally kill Adam with Elmers glue and some spare neon construction paper.

I doubt this will happen. No queen, not even Adam and his knife cutting voice, and replace Freddy Mercury. Not even Elton John (cut to my deathbed with me surrounded in sequins and sugar cookies in 3 . . .2 . . .)

SOURCE

What The Hell Is This Shit?

2009-05-26T17:54:00.001-07:00

Brooke Hogan released the official artwork for her soon-to-be upcoming fail of an album "The Redemption".

My eyes all of a sudden transformed into glitter and fairy unicorns after looking at this. I mean, if it wasn't for the Brooke Hogan logo on the right, I would of thought this was the official artwork to "The Chronicles Of Narnia: The White Witch Bitch".

And we all know Brooke's stomach does not look like her diet consists of fig berries and occasionally a peanut or two (on holidays only!) Brooke actually has a nice body. I can tell bitch eats well.

Anyway, prepare your poor innocent ears for July 2009, because this album will be haunting your dreams for the rest of forever.

Also, just because I decided to waste 3 minutes of my life watching this shit, here is the video to Brooke's first single, Falling. That shit has me falling asleep within the first 15 seconds.

And the little Stack$ nugget in the video is so tiny! I bet his little ass wanted to stroll on the beach in some stilettos, but judging from the video, it wasn't in the budget.

SOURCE (like this site is even source worthy).

Lightweight

2009-05-25T08:55:00.001-07:00

Not too long ago I was watching one of my favorite shows, Attack of the Show, and I feasted my eyes upon this beautiful gem of a video.

There are not too many times where I feel like pushing an old lady into traffic to save someone (because let's be honest, her time till come soon enough) but for this little Asian Sensation, I would!

Some sick little bastard thought it would be cute to burn my little Asian Sensations throat with some hell fire hot sauce, and proceed to upload it to YouTube. I did not approve (but I did laugh my ass off).

I think my favorite part of this video is the 1:11 - 1:17 part, when the little bitch completely walks past this small child. He even gives the camera a "Put that shit down and call 911" look, but the cameraho keeps rolling.

Eventually Danny Gokey 2.0 (those damn LensCrafters!) pours him some water, but that doesn't work, so he gets some cow piss (aka, milk).

Let's all down a shot of Habanero Hot Sauce in Asian Sensation's honor.

Kate CUNTinues To Fail

2009-05-24T18:17:00.001-07:00

Just when you thought you could get away from this crazy bitch, I crush your dreams with this post! I could never pass up a crazy like this ho to the left. But anyway, on with the story:

US Weekly recently released their magazine featuring this little crazy with a Made For TV head piece only Vince from ShamWOW could love.
In her article, one of Kate's fired nurses, Angela Krall, claims that Kate's superhero ass fired up to 40 nurses in only 3 months!

With 8 children running around their house, I can't even imagine how she lured 40 people in there. Usually the first hint of a child being in someone's house makes me contemplate running in traffic until someone flattens me.

If that wasn't fucked up enough, Kate fired nurses like they were a damn contestant on The Apprentice. Once she fired a nurse for washing her hands in the kitchen sink instead of the bathroom sink. Kate Trump claimed it was "cross-contamination".

That should of been the least of her worries with 8 kids shitting all over the place and coughing on their siblings.

But the inner bitch in Kate Trump wasn't stopping there! When Kate was awaiting the birth of her liter of children, her father, who is a pastor, brought over some cribs donated by parishioners. Instead of praising him like his name was Jesus Christ, Kate waved him off and did not accept the cribs. They didn't match so she didn't want them.

I'm sure her flabby, saggy vagina no longer matches the one she had before the playhouse of kids she gave birth to, but her husband is still wiping her ass every step of the way!

SOURCE

Box Office Results for May 24, 2009

2009-05-24T13:11:00.000-07:00

Over this Memorial weekend, the kids seemed to drag their parents asses out of the house too see the second installment of Night at the Museum: Battle of the Smithsonian. It made an estimated total of 53.5 million dollars this three-day weekend.

My heart goes out to the adults who had to drive their children to see this movie, surrounded by 200 more families with children. None of you deserve this shit.

Here are all of the box office losers for this week:

2	N	Terminator Salvation	WB	$43,010,000	-	3,530	-	$12,184	$56,382,000	$200	1
3	2	Star Trek	Par.	$21,951,000	-49.0%	4,053	+193	$5,416	$183,585,000	-	3
4	1	Angels & Demons	Sony	$21,400,000	-53.7%	3,527	-	$6,067	$81,511,000	$150	2
5	N	Dance Flick	Par.	$11,113,000	-	2,450	-	$4,536	$11,113,000	$25	1
6	3	X-Men Origins: Wolverine	Fox	$7,800,000	-46.9%	3,183	-709	$2,451	$163,054,000	$150	4
7	4	Ghosts of Girlfriends Past	WB (NL)	$3,720,000	-44.1%	2,255	-895	$1,650	$45,858,000	-	4
8	5	Obsessed	SGem	$2,000,000	-56.4%	1,603	-1,031	$1,248	$65,908,000	$20	5
9	7	Monsters Vs. Aliens	P/DW	$1,345,000	-57.7%	1,434	-517	$938	$192,991,000	$175	9
10	6	17 Again	WB	$1,005,000	-70.2%	1,107	-1,343	$908	$60,314,000	-	6

SOURCE

PS: Something tells me Arnold is stepping out of his Snuggie and driving over to the house of Christian Bale to steroid the shit out of him!

The Keebler Elf Got A Tattoo.

2009-05-24T11:27:00.000-07:00

When I stare upon this picture, the first thing I wondered was "How the fuck did this little shit get Momma and Papa Keebler to sign the Statutory Declaration forms for his tattoo?"
I know those two don't mess around.
Every Keebler cookie I have eaten has never looked like it just came out of a Dollar General right after a tsunami followed by a hurricane.

Anyway, Keelbe is photoed here showing off his baby phat (typo, damn you Kimora!) and a tattoo of his current love, Janet Jackson.

I like how the tattoo looks huge on Keeble, but if it was engraved on a person taller than 4'7, it would probably be the size of a dollar bill.

And Keeble is sure working that fur he has growing on his body! I bet he has so many cookie crumbs trapped in there, he could open up twelve new Keebler factories and have them frosting up billions of cookies daily.

SOURCE

I'm Back Ho's!

2009-05-24T11:10:00.000-07:00

After a long ass hangover, I have finally resurfaced to this hell of a place.

I apologize to all of the poor souls who have been eagerly awaiting my return, but weep no longer; I'm back!

Posting should be slow for a few days with final exams going on and shit, but by this upcoming weekend, you should hear from me a lot.

Now I see why our fellow ho's drop out of high school and become strippers. This school shit does not seem to be working out very well.

I Agree Miss. Suri, I Agree!

2009-04-11T13:54:00.000-07:00

It's about time Suri gives someone the finger. Homegirl is being carried all over the damn place against her will! I can guarantee you she's sitting in her underground basement putting the finishing touches on her bionic legs so she can hop her little ass out of her parents breeding ground. This is a foreshadowing of what Suri will have to do to get out of the front door.

This story makes me weep over my childhood. If only I had the same opportunities as Suri! I probably would not need to pay a weekly visit to my therapist.

According to the National Inquirer, haha, Tom Cruise has spent up to $1 million on Suri's education. The girl is only like three and she's on her way to becoming the female Albert Einstein. I was lucky if I could even count up to three when I was that age.

A source reveals, "It doesn't matter what Suri is doing, Tom wants her to be able to do it better than any other child. All parents think their kids are special, but Tom and Katie firmly believe Suri is gifted.

"She is learning French and Spanish and has a tutor she sees once a week.

"Suri has shown a real love of dancing, so Tom and Katie are encouraging her as much as possible. She practices ballet, tap and modern dance for hours, nearly every day. She also has private gymnastics lessons and is learning soccer."

That is just ridiculous. She can probably have a full conversation with George Lopez and Gloria Estefan, and I can barely say "thank you" in Spanish when I leave Taco Bell. And you know Tom and Katie are always encouraging her to speak French, not knowing what the hell she's saying. they just smile and give the "we-don't-know-how-she-does-it!" face.

If I were Suri, I would continue dancing. By the time she's 18, she can shake her ass all over The Pink Pony making her parents proud! Like the source said "It doesn't matter what Suri is doing, Tom wants her to be able to do it better than any other child!"

SOURCE

You Can Run Bitch, But You Can't Hide!

2009-04-11T08:22:00.000-07:00

Earlier this week, Lindsay Lohan tried to be all creepy and shit, and sneak up on her main girl, Samantha Ronson. The shitty thing about it is, the stalker-in-training Lohan was at Sam's sisters party for her new clothing line at JCPenny (lol).

After Ronson found out her former bitch was trying to get into her sister's party, her told security to hold the bitch up if she tried to enter. This has to be so easy. All you have to do is rush to a local Publix, buy some flour and a few Zip-Loc bags, full that up, and hand it to her as she walks up to you.

She would just take the bag and run back to her driver. That should keep her occupied for a few minutes until that bag is empty. Make sure you have a dozen ready.

Anyway, Lohan walked up, but the security did their job and said hell no to that. Lohan rented a room at the Chateau Mont, a room above the Ronson party.

Where the hell does she find the money to get her fix and buy a hotel room? Bitch hasn't had a hit since 2004's Mean Girls! And Living Lohan tanked so Dina couldn't give her a few cents to live off of?

So, like a good guest, Lindsay complained that the party was too loud, and she needed the people to STFU so she could get some sleep. Sources are really saying she just wanted some TLC from Ronson. So she could keep her warm or something? She's the weight of a malnourished four-year-old.

To make a boring ass story short, Gingy never got her woman to see her that night. A sad lesbian in currently curled up in the fettle position in her closet sucking her thumb and reminiscing of fresh cocaine and skinny girly trannies.

SOURCE

Chrissy Brown Pulls The OJ Card.

2009-04-06T17:23:00.000-07:00

Chrissy Brown appeared in court today, thirty minutes late, just to tell the judge he didn't not beat the shit out of our beloved Alien Princess RihRih. I guess HE doesn't even know how RihRih got her face screwed up. She must of fell or accidentally scratched her face with her press-on nails or something.

Anyway, while Chris' lawyers are pussy-footing around, and trying to take up as much time as they can, RihRhi's people want this shit to be over with as quickly as possible.They even mentioned RihRih wants this to be done with so she can go make-up a new hair style or something.

Either way, I wish this fuckery would speed up so I can start forgetting about Chrissy. . .

SOURCE

Madonna Leaves Empty Handed/Wants To Build One Of Those School Thingys

2009-04-05T10:03:00.000-07:00

Most of us out there couldn't give two shits about what was going on in Madonna's fucked up world. After all, we do have our own fucked up problems to worry about. But everytime I turn on my TV, listen to my radio, go visit my grandma in her retirement home, I'm always hearing about some shit Madonna is involved in. I wish she would go back to marinating in her favorite gym and sucking the life out of every plastic surgeon in LA who gives her a big "fuck no" when she asks for another face lift.

Anyway, to the two stories. Over the weekend Madonna flew her ass with her two handbags, Lourdes and David, to Mawali where she was about to pick up another bag for her time on this earth. Sometime this week, she went into the courtroom with her pocketbook out ready to write that check, but the judge was thinking otherwise.

He gave her a peace sign and told her to put that shit away, because Mercy was chillin' in Mawali. Madonna reportedly yelled out in agony, upset that she would have to shop around somemore. I doubt she was upset because she couldn't have Mercy. She probably thought of the face her ex-husband was making when he'll hear the news. Bitch will have to return his balls now. It was their little deal. She loses the adoption, Guy will gain two of his long, lost friends. Guy put on a brave face and stopped giggling to release this statement:

"Madonna is a fantastic and loving mother who cares deeply about her own children and children who may need additional help and support."

"I fully supported Madonna in her decision to apply for this adoption, and I am saddened that her application has been rejected. She is motivated only by being a caring parent who seeks to share some of the advantages and opportunities that her life has given her. This time it did not work out, but there will be other opportunities, and I wish her well in them. She is a great mum."

Soon after I'm sure he burst into tears from containing his laughter for so long. He should be nominated for an Oscar for such a great prefromance.

Next up, Madonna is planning on building a school in Mawali for girls. So to us guy out there, we'll just have to starve to death on a street corner if we're planning on going to a good school in Mawali. We're obviously not welcomed.

The people of Mawali are not cumming happiness after hearing this news because to have the school built, some people will have to sacrifice their houses and move the fuck out of Madonna's way. If she wants a school built, you best believe you will have to work with her standards, even if that means you'll have to be homeless.

When Madonna was asked if she was worried about the land issues, she shouted a sincere "NO!"

True, atleast she has her own house, right? I hope her Kabalah god strikes her ass down on her way back to the US, or the UK, or wherever the hell she thinks she's from!

SOURCE

Who The Fuck Is This Bitch?

2009-03-29T00:39:00.000-07:00

I know the title says "Kelly Clarkson", and I know she has a new single out called "I Do Not Hook Up", but I refuse to believe this is the winner of American Idol, Season One.

After comparing Kelly with a picture of her not wearing any makeup, I tried to find a few similarites.

Since when has Kelly soaked her face in ProActive hours a day? Her face is almost smoother than a baby's ass. Almost.
Homegirl wishes her hair looked that clean and glamorous. He hair hasn't looked like that since the first grade.
Is is just me, or does Kelly ofically have Cholita eyebrows? Any Chola would smack their gum and praise Kelly for a job well done.
Lastly: WTF is up with her mouth? She looks like a downy trying to suck the last bit of Tropical Cooler flavored Capri Sun out of the container.

With all of that said, and the feathers conveniently placed on her milk sacks, I love it.

Hopefully He Gave Her A ShamWow To Clean Up With

2009-03-28T23:23:00.000-07:00

Vince Shlomi (44, wtf?) (sounds like a reoccurring character from The Sopranos) almost had to Slap the fuck Chop out of a bitch in his $750 Setai hotel room in South Beach, Miami.

Vince was feeling a little horny in the wee hours (around 4:00am) on March 27th, so he decided to pick up a hooker. Something tells me when he choose his pick of the night, he made it known to all around that he was the "Sham Wow guy." Bitch probably gave the other surrounding hookers a business card after he denied them. I hate when people do that. I'll be a Home Depot looking for some nails or some shit, and some bitch will ask me if I need help. "No, I'm fine, but thanks for asking," I'll say. Then the bitch will tell me if I have any questions, here's my business card all nonchalantly, like I'll have some life threatening circumstance in the next few minutes in a Home Depot.

Vince picked up the lowest bidder, $1,000, a trick named Sasha Harris (26) (I'm guessing her album of choice is I Am. . .Sasha Fierce, and her favorite song on the album is Ego?).

The two new lovebirds started swapping spit when Vince noticed something his past bitches never tried on him, a little tongue biting. Vince was not feeling that shit, nor did he want to pay extra, so he told her to quit. When the crazy Bella Cullen Jr. wouldn't stop, he fought her ass off which left her with scratches on her face.

I sure hope he ran to his "bag" and pulled out a Sham Wow for her to clean up with. Then dashed to the kitchen and Slap Choped up some vegetables and put them in a Ziploc for her to place on her cuts!

After the little taste Sasha got of Vince's tongue, he ran to the hotel lobby where security hit up the cops. Sasha wasn't ready to answer the cops questions and shit, after all, work is work, bitch cannot disappoint a paying customer. Cops found $930 in her purse. I'm hoping the other $70 went towards a few Sham Wows and Slap Chops. Those can come in handy for her on her next shift!

To sum shit up, cops smelled some alcohol on the two, and they were both taken to the local police office where they took some pictures, mugshot pictures. Both were charged with felony aggravated battery. Formal charges were however, never filed against them. I guess the prosecutors already had their lol of the day with the story as is.

Somewhere in America, Billy Hayes is using a Sham Wow to wipe his ass.

Source

David Just Got The News . . .

2009-03-28T22:52:00.000-07:00

I can only hope this is the face David Banda made when he found out his Hulk shaped mother told him she was purchasing a little sister for him. Don't worry, Davy made a deal with his mother. Mommy buys him some of her steroids for his 5th birthday, bitch can keep the new handbag. If she backs out of the deal, Davy can write (or draw in his case) a tell all about his young life.

Anyway, back to the story. So sometime last week reports were queefing out of news reporters asses at USMagazine claiming She-Hulk is about to purchase a new purse in Malawi. The purse has a name, Mercy James, and a gender, female.

The sads of this post are devastating. Mercy has no parents. They both passed away, causing her to be put up for adoption. Her mother reportedly died during childbirth. Another source says she died five days after childbirth.

I cannot fully hate on She-Hulk for wanting to buy another child, but doesn't her muscular ass have some other shit to do like bench press elephants and inject steroids in her forehead (since her arms can't get much bigger)?
For fucks sake, she's in the middle of a divorce! Poor Davy is going to have to finish her paperwork while she's calling up her assistant to change some diapers.

I guess we should all look at the positives and be hopeful for Mercy, and her new privileged life.

PS: This is too hard being nice.

She Has Arrived!

2009-03-08T19:00:00.000-07:00

Brit Brit Spears is in my hometown, Tampa, FL, tonight, and I wanted to grace you all who are at the concert with a little love.

I'm on suicide watch because I couldn't be there with you lovely Cheetolets, but I will be thinking about you the whole time. You poor souls are probably drowning in screams by now. But back to me!

I'm sure a trail of Cheeto dust will gather around me, and give me the strength to continue on with my life, but I still have no hope until that happens. I need a Starbucks fix or something until the Cheeto dust comes!

I guess what I'm hinting at is, YOU RICH BITCHES BETTER PUT SOME CLIPS UP FOR ME TOMORROW!!!!

With love from,

a Cheetolet.

Good think I have this picture to mourn over:

Ms. Oprah Can Heal Alien Princess!

2009-03-08T16:55:00.000-07:00

The other day on Ms. Oprah's (that's what she would insist on being called, if you do not call her as such, your ass will be her snack for the morning) show, she graced us with some advice for Alien Princess.

It started off with Ms. Oprah's #1 bitch, Gayle, reading off what Chrissy Brown did to our Alien Princess. We've all heard what Chrissy did to her, there is no need to relive the ass whooping. So when Gayle is done, she says she doesn't give a shit if AP goes back into the hands of an abuser, but she should at least take a break, until she's ready for another beatdown. Blondie was not feeling where she was going, and decided to take control for a few seconds, along with some other man until Ms. Oprah took over.

Gayle stabbed my heart when she said "I'm going to Chris Brown you" and "you're going to get Rihanna'd." I was a little aroused by that. If I'm ever locked in a Home Depot alone with Gayle, you know what phrase I want to hear from her when were scissoring near the paint department.

Anylesbian, on a serious note, Ms. Oprah made a valuable point. "If a man hits you once, he will hit you again."

Thank you Ms. Oprah, you are teaching woman all over the world to stand up to abuse. Ladies, if anyone ever puts their hands on you (in a hurtful way, not in a sexy way) I'm giving you permission to kick their ass with a metal dildo!

Bow.The.Hell.Down.

2009-03-04T19:24:00.000-08:00

Tonight was the cycle premiere of America's Next Top Irrelevant Model, and Sandra (pictured above) bitch slapped her way to the top of my hero list. Well at least in the top five for this week. She is truly an A-Class lady. She only deserves the best this world has to offer.

You only have Styrofoam cups to drink out of, you better run your ass to a Dillards and pick up a wine glass before Lucifer himself strikes you down.

Anyway, throughout the two episodes, Sandra did not let anyone forget "she's from Africa (Kenya) and she's beautiful" so right there bitches will have problems with her. As soon as you say your hot, some hating ho will no longer give you a fake smile, so My Little Pony (Angelique) gave her an eye roll.

Sandra was not having that, so she told that bitch off, as she should. There is no reason to have some minion thinking their hot shit. Not with Sandra around.

So jump to elimination (Tyrant is picking the final 13) Sandra gets called last (a problem, but I'll let Tyrant slide on that one, her weave was probably too tight to comprehend a true beauty), but still accepts her victory.

She nudges My Little Pony on her way down, and the camera crew replay that shit for the next 10 minutes. I didn't give a flying fuck though, that's what my graduation walk will look like. I'll take my place behind the person I should be in front of, and nudge into him/her.

Sandra did it, I can too!

Now that Sandra has taken her throne in the house, she needs a bed only fit for an African queen. I guess she choose her room last (I needed a Phish Food break from the amount of love I was receiving from Sandra, so I missed some of that part) so little did she know there were only 12 beds in the house.

She refused to sleep anywhere but in bed, as she should, so London gave up her bed and slept on the cold, lonely ground. Oh well, bitch knows whats up.

The next morning, bitches were being all loud and shit, interrupting my dear Sandra's beauty sleep. She told them to shut the hell up and finish their stupid convo in another room, and they did! Like I stated in the title: Bow.The.Hell.Down.

The episode ended with Sandra and Isabella in the bottom two, with Isabella packing her meds and getting the fuck out.

This is how all episodes should end. Sandra will be in the bottom two, making the remaining contestants shit in joy, but right before they celebrate with purging and tears, Tyrant hands over the picture.

My slice of heaven! Here is Sandra gracing us with her loving, kind heart.

I Applaud Latreasa Goodman!

2009-03-03T17:33:00.000-08:00

Latreasa Goodman, 27, from Fort Pierce, Florida should be given the Noble Peace Prize for a job well done. All of us ho's have a bitch to look up to now. She only has our best intentions in mind.

Goodman was minding her own GD business at a McDonald's when the problems started. She ordered some McNuggets. Little did she know, she was NOT getting those damn nuggets. Goodman approached the cashier to get her pocket change, but when the bitch had the nerve to tell Goodman they ran out of McNuggets, Goodman demanded a refund. The cunt said all sales are final, and she could not give her the fucking money back, but she can swap the non-existent McNuggets with a healthy alternative, a McDouble, which is a $1. Oh fucks no!!!

Goodman was not having that shit settle in her stomach, so she called up 911 . . . three times! Then cops responded to the restaurant, Goodman told them,

"This is an emergency. If I would have known they didn't have McNuggets, I wouldn't have given my money, and now she wants to give me a McDouble, but I don't want one." Goodman noted, "I called 911 because I couldn't get a refund, and I wanted my McNuggets."

Homegirl is my new hero. She wanted those damn McNuggets, and she wasn't leaving until they were safely in a recycled cardboard box, wrapped in a McDonald's paper bag with the employee giving thanks and waving her ass off.

Shit, I wouldn't even mind if she was holding up the line for this shit. As long as I had my french fries in my hand and a handful of BBQ sauce, I would of parked my car beside her, and enjoyed the show. You dare not mess with the McDonalds!

Source

Bitches Need To STFU!

2009-03-02T18:37:00.000-08:00

For all of us hos that couldn't give two shits about that Jonas Hos movie, here is another reason to pat ourselves on the ass for a job well done.

If you click this link, it will take you to a video of what the intro to hell will look like. I should take note, I'll be there in a few.

Anyway, if you rather not be on the local predator board in elementary schools, the video shows two shirtless females, Kevin (The Orphan) and Joe (The Queen HBIC). The screams of newly arriving Lucifer Jrs accompany the video. Joe notices some fishy shit and some bitch throws a shirt or something over the camera.

I'm sure the little 8 year-old girls in the theater had their first orgasm and went through puberty at the same time, all at once. The next movie showing was probably two-hours later, because the staff had to get all Alice in there, and clean up the mess left behind.

The only thing more WHOREifying than two females with penises in 3D, are the comments left for the video. Let me comment on a few of them:

OH MY GOD! SPEACHLESS! (sathya727): Bitch, never seen a tranny shirtless before?

OMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMG(TheZoeAndAlexShow): Were in hell now, God will no longer be of service.

Nick just wears his white shirt, I'm pretty sure. He just changes into jeans. Wish I saw THAT. (fanniieee): Someone update the local predator list, and put this ho at the top of the list.

Damn Skippy!

2009-03-01T18:45:00.000-08:00

Britney's upcoming Circus Tour may be over before it begins.

The first show starts on Tuesday, and some cheap bitches don't want to fork up some pocket change to pay for a ticket to see this mess. $500 worth of pocket change. Unless your name is Oprah Winfrey, no one's pockets can store that much change, so well just forget about pocket change part.

Inconsiderate bitches! How the fuck is Brit Brit supposed to make her daily trips to Starbucks and BP (for the Cheetos) with a few mill to spend?

Dear god, let there be a fucking miracle for Brit Brit and her needs!

PS: And to those who are going to the concert, give me a review!

My Savior Is Single! Open The Gates To Heaven Now!

2009-03-01T17:00:00.000-08:00

Do you guys hear that? It's the sound of my sperms popping open some Vodka and plugging up the iTouch to listen to At Last in celebration on this wonderful news.

Megan Denise Fox decided to wake up and smell the shit that was laying next to her, who goes by the name Brian Austin Green.

According to Us Magazine, the pair split amicably after the relationship had "simply run its course," and the two plan to remain friends. Bitch please! not in my house. You two can add each other on Facebook and comment on your statuses', but there will be no conversing in this house!

Radar Online also had some nosy ho report that Megan was packing her shit and getting the fuck out of Satan's dungeon.

"Yesterday, outside Green's home, a very large moving container was spotted around the corner. The Smartbox looked filled and ready to cart away the remnants of Fox's belongings."

This is my inspiration every morning now. When I feel like ending it, I'll just think of Fox, and how she's homeless and needs a steady income and a home. Ahhhh . . .

One Of These Bitches Will Win And Go Back To Being Irrelevant

2009-03-01T15:00:00.000-08:00

Tyra Lynne Banks Presents America's Next Top Model Courtesy Of Tyra Lynne Banks, is premiering Wednesday March 4th on the CW this week, and I thought it was about time to introduce you all to the contestants. Sure my ass is a little late, but well be spending a lot of time together watching this mess. You'll get used to me having the story last.

Here are my thought's of my favorite upcoming victims (I labeled the first three bitches in the group shot):

Allison: is she even old enough to be on the show? She looks like she should be in some preschool somewhere playing with Play-Doh and eating Teddy Grahams. Yummm, Teddy Grahams.

Aminat: dear God, the things I would store in her hair and make my new safe house out of. I hope all of their challenges are in closed facilities. I can just see pigeons, doves and vultures throwing a fiesta in that hair right now. Of course Tyrant would eliminate her the moment she smells shit. If it's not her shit, it cannot not be in her presence.

Fo: (yes, this is her birth name): Fo can win this shit for all I care. Give her the crown Tyrant, bitch deserves it all. Anyone who's had to go through school with a ridiculously hot name deserves a winning picture with Tyrant (who will be badly Photoshopped in the picture with you!)

Kortine: for the ridiculous spelling of your name, you get my courtesy vote aswell.

Make sure to watch Tyra Lynne Banks Presents America's Next Top Model Courtesy Of Tyra Lynne Banks on the CW March 4th at 9/8 central!

XXXL Sizes!

2009-03-01T13:43:00.001-08:00

We all knew this was bound to happen, so now we can all roll our eyes and smack an innocent bitch just out of pure boredom.

As we all know, JessICKa Simpson is now a fatass, well if you want to hop on the dicks of Ok!, inTouch, and Us Magazines', and now she's doing something about it. No, she's not going to down a bottle of Alli and weep at Lifetime movies, but she's going to release a clothing line for all of the BIG girls!

Chicken Of The Sea's spokeswoman says:
"I know what flatters a woman, and trust me, I've been judged a lot in my life. By now I know what works if you're curvy," Jessica bragged to reporters about the new line."

Great, just what everyone wants! To walk around wearing a JessICKa Simpson designed muumuu. Who the the fuck wants to strut around in an expensive mummy costume to go pick up their laundry?

Homeboy Forgot The Dildo . . . Again!

2009-03-01T12:59:00.000-08:00

Some of these little bitches nowadays are so irresponsible. Take for instance these two twats, Miley and Justin. Just when you think they'll run away for a few century's, they come back. Their fucking cockroaches. I shouldn't say that, atleast you can spray some Raid on roaches. As long as Billy Ray is breathing, these two will be around for a while.

Here are two Christians running around terrorizing America looking for Justin's glass dildo and anal beads.

The World Shall Continue To Rotate

2009-03-01T12:28:00.001-08:00

Over the weekend, these three ho's released a film called Jonas Brothers: The 3D Concert Experience. Not only did that shit fail, but it failed hard!

Some crazy ass people expected the movie to bring in between $30-40M in, but it only coughed up a measly $12.7M. Half of that total was probably unintentional, because the 6 year-olds that paid to see it still haven't learned adding/subtracting/math in general.

Somewhere in some backwoods trailer in Tennessee, Billy Ray is unbuckling his spare leather belt from Miley's ankles, and letting her eat a bag of Big John's Beef Jerky as payment for a job well done.

I can only imagine the look of Nick's face when he found out his ex whipped his ass in this battle. The two seem as if they are always trying to up each other.

Nick goes through puberty, Miley has her period. Nick takes a hugh shit, Miley has anal bombs of shit. It goes on and on . . .

Last year, Miley terrorized theaters by releasing Hannah Montana/Miley Cyrus: Best of Both Worlds Concert Tour. Not only did it make big bucks at the box office, but it also opened up door for her to release another movie in April of this year, Hannah Montana: The Movie.

Looks like I'll be on suicide watch . . . again . . .

Kelis Made One Of Those Baby Things

2009-02-22T10:43:00.000-08:00

The look on Kelis' face pretty much sums up her reaction to her Plan-B box when looking at the "emergency contraceptive" summary.

Bitch is probably giving it the side-eye right now.

So if you haven't heard already, Kelis and NaS are expecting their first bundle of broken condom sperm together.

NaS already has one of those children things named Destiny somewhere. It's 15.

NaS said:

“Yeah, man, I find out what it’s going to be this week, so I’m happy. I got another one coming in 09, yeah! That’s what’s up!” the “Hip-Hop Is Dead” rapper said in an interview with MTV on Monday.

Another one coming? Does he think Kelis is carrying a nine month shit or something? I can just imagine his reaction when Kelis' water breaks. "Oh shit no!" "You better run your ass to the bathroom and clean this shit up ASAP!" Poor Kelis will also have to drive herself to the hospital, because NaS will be busy shaving his head or something . . .

She Ate A Big Mac So STFU!

2009-02-21T20:24:00.001-08:00

Just when you were wondering what Lindsay Lohan was up to, bitch walk down the red carpet (no, I'm not referring to her downstairs area), and continues to turn heads.

I'm sure if Linda Blair was there, her head would of snapped off her neck by now.

The only Lohan making some cash at the moment used every working bone in her legs to make it to William Williamston's store opening in New York on the 15th. Too bad it would of been better if she was at home sucking on some dried up MANtha lips, because everyone went crazy when they say how skinny she is.

This is no new news. She only eats when she has a steady income. Obviously no Parent Trap sequel is in production.

So, seeing as to how she's a Lohan, she decided to slear some shit up. She said "I eat. I had my Big Mac yesterday from McDonald's. People have their ups and downs. Kids in college get DUIs. Everyone goes through something, and everyone can relate to something. I think that I don't ever want to pretend to be something that I'm not. I'm not perfect; nobody is perfect. If you try to be perfect, you'll probably go crazy. But you should always accept yourself for who you are. And that's what I've done, and I'm happy."

Bitch, just because you ate a Big Mac, doesn't mean your a complete fatass now. I can eat a salad and I won't look like your ass, you can eat a Big Mac can not look like my ass! Easy.

I also do not understand how you can compare eating a Big Mac, to getting a DUI in college. Hell, what the fuck do I know, when I was in college I would smoke hausedussea and then have the munchies so I'd go get a Big Mac . . .

And The Oscar Goes To . . .

2009-02-16T10:07:00.001-08:00

I love this bitch. She is my new hero! We share the same feelings (reaction wise).

I'm guessing she too is fed up with the number of timed Keri Hilson's "In A Perfect World" is getting pushed back.

No, homegirl missed her flight to Crazyland and decided to fuck the shit out! She was probably flying to St. Lucia to light one up with Amy Winehouse. Her loss . . .

I swear I had the same reaction when I found out the release date is now March 24, 2009.

If this world was so perfect, the album would of been released the day she finished recording it.

Anyway, take a stroll down memory lane and watch my reaction!

PS: I love when she falls on the floor. Amy is probably doing the same this in the hospital right now.

Salma Hayek Put A Ring On It

2009-02-16T07:19:00.000-08:00

While some of you guys were sitting in your room (on Valentine's Day) eating Ben & Jerry's while weeping into a Kleenex tissue, Salma Hayek was strutting her ass down the isle with her two jumbo Soymilk sacks.

Salma got hitched to a French billionaire named Francois-Henri Pinault. He sounds like a French spy to me. Salma and jumbo Soymilk sacks, if you noticed anything fishy, you run your ass out of that mansion and flee to my house. I would never harm you!

They wed in the town hall in the Saint Germain. Damn, do they know what type of underwear Salma was wearing too? I'm going with red and lacy, it seems like only the right thing to wear on Valentine's Day.

The two were supposed to get married last year, but one of them wasn't having that shit and called off the engagement. Then Salma popped out a human in infant form named Valentina.

Salma and Pinault got back together in September of last year.

Congrats!

MarieClaireUK

He's Sorry For Beating Her Ass!

2009-02-15T17:15:00.000-08:00

This picture of Chrissy Brown (this is going to be his prison name, mark.my.words.) is about as retarded as his response to the Alien Princess/Chrissy Beatdown Of '09. Chrissy issued a statement to some bitch and had this to say:

"Words cannot begin to express how sorry and saddened I am over what transpired. I am seeking the counseling of my pastor, my mother and other loved ones and I am committed, with God's help, to emerging a better person. Much of what has been speculated or reported on blogs and/or reported in the media is wrong. While I would like to be able to talk about this more, until the legal issues are resolved, this is all I can say except that I have not written any messages or made any posts to Facebook, on blogs or any place else. Those posts or writings under my name are frauds."

Bitch, the only counseling you need is in a damn jail cell for a few years. He needs no one or nothing else but a bag full of lube and a pillow to chomp on while he's getting ass creamed late at night.

No need to bring God & friends in the middle of this, they didn't help you go Ike Turner on my Alien Princess.

And I enjoyed reading the part about how he would like to talk about this, but he cannot due to legal issues. I don't think so! You don't whoop some ass and then hold a tell all party right after defending yourself.

This is some crazy shit and I'm enjoying the ride.

Get well Alien Princess and Chrissy can lick the feces out of my ass for all I care. Something tell me Chrissy is sitting in his room singing Bad Girl.

PerezHilton

Children Of The Corn See The Light!

2009-02-15T12:09:00.000-08:00

Feast your eyes upon the two most glamorous children in Hollywood.Of course they came from the sperm and egg of JHo and Marc Antony. I'm surprised Marc can clutch Emmy with his two arms. I never knew Freddy Kruger's older brother was a father!

Anyway, hos can put the rumor to rest about JHo and Marc announcing their split on Valentine's (not times!) at a concert in Madison Square Garden in NYC.

At least not publicly the way all those gossip magazines made it seem.

If that was the case though, I would of been pissed to know I was not there to witness this tragedy. I could just see it now.

JHo walks on stage to the instrumental of "Love Don't Cost A Thing" while the audience loses their shit. Hopefully she would be wearing that delicate weave too. I wonder if her damn head can even carry that anymore? Her self-admiration will have no more room to fill.

Anyway, she would talk to the audience a little about how she's about to quit that bitch (her marriage) and invite Marc and the two living members of Children Of The Corn on stage. She would then rip Marc a new ass crack and the Children Of The Corn would magically transfer from Marc to JHo's arms. You know that's how it would go down, don't deny.

Dlisted

M.I.A.s Baby Decided To Crawl The Fuck Out

2009-02-15T10:25:00.000-08:00

Anyone who watched the Grammys knows that when they saw M.I.A. waddle on stage, your uterus would never be the same again.

I think my non-existent uterus shrived up and bounced into Angelina Jolie's. Bitch needs it more than anyone else.

But anyway, back to M.I.A. She popped out a baby on Wednesday, three days after her nail biting performance at the Grammys. The whole time I was watching her, I felt the stage would turn into a giant Slip 'n Slide, with a newborn being the first participant.
It didn't help when T.I. (or whoever it was, I was half asleep) tapped on her belly. The baby could of been considerate, and opened up the snatch to greet his guest, but he was probably tired. If I was the baby, I would of wondered who the fuck was knocking so late into the night. The nerve!

M.I.A. went on her MySpace to tell us what was up.

"I CAME HOME FROM THE GRAMMY'S STILL IN THE MOOD TO PARTY...BUT I WENT HOME INSEAD, LUCKY I DID!! COZ MY EARLY STAGE LABOUR KICKED IN AROUND 2 AM

"MY BABY WAS BORN WEDNESDAY, HE IS HEALTHY, FINE, BEAUTIFUL AND THE MOST AMZING THING EVER ON THIS PLANET, OF COURSE IM HIS MUM!!!"

"ME AND BABY ARE PUTTING OUR TOUR DATES FOR 2010 TOGETHER…AND FIGURING OUT A WAY TO BREAK OUT OF THE HOSPITAL!" she writes on her blog.

"HOPEFULLY THE WORLD IS BEEN TICKING ALONG AND I AINT MISSED MUCH!," she adds, before signing off. "C U SOON…AND MY BABY BOY SAYZ HIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

That poor baby. Bitch just entered the world and he's already planning his 2010. Of course she would take him everywhere. He was already at the Grammys before his birthday.

And unless M.I.A. gave birth out of her ears, I don't understand why she's screaming. She must be in some serious pain.

Congrats!

EOnline

FugGame, Courtesy of Lady GaGa

2009-02-14T07:42:00.000-08:00

The hot tranny mess knows as "Lady GaGa" has just released a new video for her song "LoveGame." Click the link to see that shit.

The video starts off with a bedazzled GaGa rubbing herself all over two naked pieces of meat. I think I might of just contracted Sisyphus from watching it.

Next we move on to some dungeon-eqsue area where GaGa threatens to shove her disco stick up some bitches asses. They had it coming. When you look at the bitch with a sexy look, her first instinct is to start some sexy shit. Disco stick in, ass juice out!

She's also wearing some fence wire from a local park on her face. Bitch is sooooooo fierce. Tyra is about to run to her mini-fridge in her bathroom and eat some Twinkies out of pure despise.

They move the scene to a trainstop, where GaGa and friends walk down the steps like their filming a Elton John music video, with Rosie O'Donnell and Ellen Degeneres as special guests. I think I saw George Michaels' cop fuck friend on the far right hand side.

Next we are introduced to the set of a Jenna Jameson porno. Seriously, everyone is getting some ass on that train. An bitches didn't invite me! They can't see me, but I'm giving them a death stare . . .

GaGa spins around and magically changes clothes. That shit could come in handy. I can remember times when I would show up to parties looking like I'm going to a inauguration, while everyone else looked like their night-shift at the Pink Pony had just finished.

Anyway, there is a lot of touching and dry humping and shit. Nothing unexpected from a GaGa video. Hell, if there was no touching/humping, I'd want my 3:44 back. 2:23-2:24 is my favorite part of the video. It brings back elementary memories.

Looks like I was right (as usual) about the George Michael cop. Bitch is into tranny's now, I guess.

To sum things up, GaGa turns into a Caucasian Janet Jackson and does a little crackie dance. I loved this video for many reasons, but the number one reason was the elementary memories.

People would dare their friends to open their legs up like that, thinking they would get knocked up. Ah . . . the innocent times . . .

The Face Of A Classic Beauty

2009-02-13T14:04:00.000-08:00

If you guys have yet to feast your eyes upon Aubrey O'Day's Playboy Cover, make sure your wearing two condoms and have some lube close by, because things are about to get dry and limp.

Click here if you have the items above. Don't worry. The burning sensation down there is normal.

As if O'Day spreading her cheeks for the camera wasn't shitty enough, she started to speak as well.

"You could never imagine how empowering it is to be nude in front of cameras and have people looking at you in that way and seeing you as beautiful... Nudity is a beautiful thing.”

Bitch, hold up. No one is looking at you, thinking about how "beautiful" you are. Their eyes are damn, stuck on your body, with their retinas burning in their head.

I don't understand why she thinks she's hot shit? She makes Jenna Jameson look like an angel sent from heaven next to her.

. . . And She's Outta There!

2009-02-13T13:45:00.000-08:00

If you hear screaming from your next door neighbors house, followed by a little female child doing back-flips and shit out of their house, I'm giving you the story.

Sir Nicholas Jonas and Selena Gomez have quit that bitch.

The Jo Ho's were on "The Insider" last night, when some nosy little ho asked the boys about their relationship statuses.

The two old ass boys in the group said "no comment," like a true celebrity, while the youngest had to shut that shit down and say he was single.

I can only imagine the look on Ho #1 and Ho #2's faces. They were probably giving him a fucked up side eye, and a "I'm going to cut your scrotum off in your sleep" stare mixed in with the side eye.

He knows what's up! He's supposed to shut the fuck up and follow what the other two do! Maybe he can change the subject a little and say "look, were wearing the purity rings!" or something stupid even Hannah Montana would be able to figure out.

Either way, these two will probably be single for another month before bumping beef patties with someone new.

Attention All Aliens, One Of Yours Is In Trouble!

2009-02-08T18:12:00.001-08:00

Before the Grammys started, some bad shit has been going around involving an Alien Princess and an earthling going by the name"Chris Brown."

Apparently at Clive Davis' Pre-Grammy party, Brown got his Huggies in a bunch and all of a sudden felt like bitch slapping a bitch. The only one around was Rihanna, so he decided to give it to her ass.

Sources have been saying that the two got into an argument (aren't they always pissed at each other?) and some major slapping went down on Brown's part.

No one is positive why Brown felt like introducing his hand to Rihanna's face, but I have an idea. That Umbrella song. I bet she was so excited to be at the Grammys tonight, that she just busted out in "Ella Ella Ella Eh." Brown could not listen to that shit anymore so he told her to STFU (politely, of course.)

When Alien Princess refused, he slapped her ass on the face. Alien Princess is said to be in the hospital with a black eye and something screwed up with her jaw.

While I do not support abuse in any way, I do feel that anyone who sings that song does deserve a good smack somewhere on their body. I would of went for the ass, but that's just me...

Also, both of them canceled at the last minute so there goes my Sunday night watching the Grammys...

http://www.dlisted.com/node/30602

It's Hannah Montana's fault!

2009-02-07T10:48:00.000-08:00

Since I've been a little slow in the brains lately, most of you guys have already seen this disaster of a picture before.

Here is Miley and some of her future employees posing as Lucy Liu. No, that was uncalled for. Atleast Lucy had a job on such amazing pieces of work like Cashmere Mafia and Dirty Sexy Money and Game Over (all of which have been canceled). Homegirl is like the STD of television. Once you've seen it, your live changes, for the worst.

Anyway, I can't get over how everyone, except the Asian, are making "goofy faces", as Miley puts it, except Asian #1? His eyes look up and ready. Bitch probably thought he'd have to work it out since the rest want to look like they just woke up from a cocaine induced orgy.

And what does the little boy on the far right have in his hand? Let's hope whatever it is, Miley will overdoes on it one day...

Go On And Do It Katy, They Had It Coming!

2009-01-18T21:15:00.000-08:00

On Saturday night, Katy Perry was awarded International Song of the Year (for her song I Kissed A Girl, of course) by France's NRJ Music Awards...too bad those asshole's were fucking liars and awarded Katy falsely.

The real winner of International Song of the Year was Rihanna for her song Disturbia.

At the end of the show, the host decided to quit fucking with the audience, and Katy, and announce that she was not the winner.

The Ben & Jerry's Phish Food I would give up to see Katy's face when she heard this news would be endless. I bet her face look liked a mix between Anakin Skywalker when he found out Darth Vader was his father and Michelle Dugger's husband when he found out his wife was knocked up with their 18th child.

She probably shit her dress too. I know I would of. It's acceptable in this circumstance.

And I hope Rihanna was no where to be found. Katy would of cut her throat with the knife shown above and shoved an umbrella up her ass just for fun.

In "Who The Fuck Cares" News Of The Day

2009-01-18T18:14:00.001-08:00

Jessica Simpson looks about as through in this picture as her latest album "Do You Know" is.

Most people barely knew this cuntry singer released another album, so it would only make sense for her to release another flop single.

Pray Out Loud is going to be the next single you will think about committing suicide to, releasing next month. To make things even worse, it's going to be on the radio, so you might be forced to slam on the gas and drive full speed into a palm tree on your way home from work. Way to fuck up an already fucked up day.

Also, while were on the topic of bitches who don't sing the genes they are supposed to, have you guys seen JessICKa's shoe line? How the eff do these people think they can walk on those stilts all day?

I was at the mall with a few friends and we passed her stilts line, then did a quick scurry back to them to take a second look at them. These bitches caught my eye.

WHATTT THE FUCKKK? I guess you'll look hot in them after you break your ass trying to walk downstairs for a quick coffee break. Seriously though, those shoes belong in some Lady GaGa video.

Fergie Fug As Barney's Transvestite Cousin

2009-01-18T15:39:00.000-08:00

I'm not sure who was in charge of Photoshopping the shit out of this picture, but whoever you are, I'm willing to give you my paychecks for a year for this amazing work of art.

You my friend are one of a kind. You made Fergie Fug look like she was born with breasts and a vagina!

Here is the latest ad for MAC cosmetics and their Viva Glam series.

If you paint your pace with that makeup, hopefully you will look as Photoshopped and fresh faced as the bitch to the left of you.

I can't get over the fact that Fergie Fug looks like she got kidnapped and thrown in the back of a yellow Volkswagen Bettle, only to be thrown in a closet belonging to a cross dressing tranny named Dynamite Passion who works the nightshift at GAY nightclub.

Once you think she'll tone it down a little, she tranny's it up a bit. Bitch, you need to learn the ways of Tyra Banks!

Courtney Love Wants Her Daughter To Date A Vampire

2009-01-18T15:00:00.000-08:00

Courtney Love has gone on one of her "Daily Crazy Vicodin Induced Speeches of the Day" and, via insider, revealed to the Daily Mail that she wants her daughter, Frances Bean, to bump spell books with Robert Pattinson, star of Twilight.

"Courtney thinks he’s charming and handsome and absolutely has to be Frances’s first date. She’s doing everything she can to engineer another meeting."

Poor Frances has a crazy ass mother to deal with, and now she might have to deal with a vampire on top of that! If I were her, I'd need a long vacation in Paris with a credit card and some good shit to smoke before I can even deal with this mess.

The girl is only 16 while Robert is 22! She barely has her license!

And I would love to see a date with these two. Where the hell would Robert take her, Chuck 'E Cheese? Hell, that doesn't sound too bad, they have amazing pizza.

If these two do happen to become an item, Frances better marry his blood-sucking ass to get rid of that horrible name of hers. Frances Bean sounds like a special limited edition Starbucks coffee only available during the Christians holidays.

Paris Hilton & Her BFF Of The Moment Terrorize Sundance

2009-01-18T14:44:00.000-08:00

Let me take this moment to say a prayer for all of the poor innocent cheetahs that died in the making of that coat-esque POS Paris is wearing.
And the brave possum that died, only to become a matted up weave for Britney. You guys will always be heroes in my eyes.

Anyway, these two full time hookers got the day off to attend Sundance yesterday in Park City, Utah.

All two of you that are reading this in Utah, please dash to your nearest Walgreens and pick up every Trojan condom and Plan B pill that is in the store, you'll be thanking me later.

These two whores could do something as little as cough and you'll magically become pregnant with triplets and have 37 new undiscovered STDs in the matter of no time. Yeah, these two can get you pregnant, that's how WHOREable they are.

PS: Is it just me or is Paris about to close that right eye for good in this picture? Bitch needs a cold compress and a jack hammer on that eye alone.

Emily Rose Gets Married

2009-01-09T17:25:00.001-08:00

Sip your Vodka and roll your eyes to this news, just as I did when I read this.

Michael C. Hall (from Dexter) and Jennifer Carpenter (from that shit filled movie, The Exorcism of Emily Rose) got hitched on New Year's Eve in California. Of all the places in the world it was in Cali, and were now just finding out about this? What the fuck?

Anyway, these two dried up Wendy's french fries work together on the HBO show Dexter. To make things even better, they play siblings.

That must be the most awkward thing in the world to be sexing up your sister on the side while working with her. I wonder if one of them ever gets confused and shouts "your such a bad brother/sister! "I'm telling mom on you," while getting intimate?

Pointless Post Of The Day

2009-01-01T19:54:00.000-08:00

I'm sure by now everyone has hear Keri Hilson's song "Energy" by now but I'm posting this to make sure you do if you have not.

Everything about this woman is perfect. Her eyes, her nose, her ears, her legs, her shits, her wisdom teeth, ect...you get the point.

Ok, lemme back track. I'm going to acknowledge one flaw; that goddamn Saleisha "Mushroom Head" Stowers weave-type shit. I bet Keri's sexy ass strolled into Kim Vo's salon and said "I want that mess that came from America's Next Top Model." Whoever the bitch that won Cycle 9 was, I want that head piece."

As much as I love you Keri, you need to rip that shit out, neatly unravel it, find a 7/11 dumpster and trash that fuckery before this relationship is over! There will be no more "you and me" if I have to Google Image your name and see that thing on top of your head.

Rant over. Anyway, If you still haven't been blessed with Keri, below is a link to her single Energy. Also is a picture of Saleisha if your ready to start the Nicole Richie diet plan and throw some shit up. Homegirl went from cheap call girl to extreme mushroom model in the matter of a makeover. RIP call girl.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dW8wrXjPs5A

Joaquin Phoenix Looks Like A Pretty Clean Dude

2009-01-01T13:47:00.000-08:00

I'm not sure if anyone has had the opportunity to take a look at Joaquin Phoenix lately, but when you do, make sure you run your ass to a free clinic ASAP.
Just looking into his eyes makes me feel like I should book a visit Promises Rehab Facility tomorrow morning as soon as I wake up.
And yes, this was the same ho a few years ago that was praised for his role as Johnny Cash in the Oscar nominated movie "Walk The Line." Johnny Cash is probably rolling around in his grave right now wondering what the fuck is up with this shit.
Me too Johnny, me too...
Sorry I couldn't get the fucking "add image" icon to work, this site is being pretty bitchy lately, but here is a link to a fellow slut who has them.
http://www.dlisted.com/node/29980

Merry Christmas From The Jungle Book

2008-12-25T18:57:00.000-08:00

The employees of Hot Topics all around America can now breathe a sigh of relief. Ashole and Pete Wentz finally gave up waiting outside the doors of OK Mag! and decided to release the first public picture of Bronx Mowgli Wentz. I know his name comes from The Jungle Book but it sounds like something out of a failed 90s porno.

Anyway, there are many hits and misses with this picture but the one I can't seem to get over is the fact that the baby Ashole was carrying in her for 4 1/2 years looks like it's not finished. He has an eye, one little piggy nose and a mouth. Thats it! You would think she had "caution" tape blocking her vagina from dropping that baby off into this world.

Best of luck to the three of them (95% of this luck will be going to Bronx & his future).

Rachel Green Sure Fooled Us!

2008-12-24T20:16:00.001-08:00

Rachel Green is the best trickster this world has to offer! Most of you saw Jenny butt ass naked on the cover of GQ this month. I bet some of you were thinking "I wonder how she established such a body like that?" Well before you pop your last blood vessel in you tinny tiny brain, Jenny was PHOTOSHOPPED!

Barbara's old ass wanted to know the secret behind this shit. In her defense, Photoshop was not available in the early 1700s.

"What happened to the girl next door from Friends?" Barbara asked.

"She's there! Photoshopped!" Jenny, replied.

What in the MacBook hell is that all about? Doesn't she know she's supposed to pull the "well I did a simple little routine for the last 5 weeks to achieve this body; I lowered my sugar intake, ran 2 miles a day, only drank water and worked out with my personal trainer 4 hours a day."

I don't know what happened to the good ole' Jenny, but ever since Brad left her for a mannequin named Angie Jo, she's been a little mushy in the brains. I mean for Gods sake, she's rubbing clams with John Mayer!

Kanye West Thinks His Last Name Is Armani

2008-12-24T18:53:00.000-08:00

I'm not sure if anyone knew this but Kanye West has been an intern at Louis Vuitton (?) for a good week and he already wants to design an outfit for Obama's inauguration. I don't know what is worse, Kanye's new album or the fact that out President will look like he just came out of the ATL for his inauguration?

Kanye says: "I could design something for Obama to go to the club in … But I don’t know if I’m ready for suits and stuff.”

Ummm, I don't fucking think so! Our President will not be giving a speech infront of the White House and then head to the club to go party it up with his homeboys. Not in Michelle's book!

Once you repay us for that 808s & Heartbreak shit, then MAYBE you can design for Spencer Pratt or some mistake like him.

Baby steps Kanye, baby steps...

Pete Dohertys Lame Ass Excuse

2008-12-24T18:27:00.000-08:00

If you are not familiar with Pete Doherty, I suggest you stop whatever you are doing (or about to do) and Google your ass off until you decide to open up your Christmas gifts.

This fine man to your left is one of the people you will one day be looking up to. Anyway, back to the story.

Pete Doherty decided to skip out on a show in London because of an "arm injury." This "arm injury" involves many needles and heroin knowing this fucktards past (and present and we'll just throw in future too).

When I was younger and felt like my arm was about to explode off of my body, my mom never let me miss school! I could of had blood shooting out of my arm with Jesus standing over me pleading with my mom to take me to a hospital and she would of flicked her hair back and said "throw some ice on it." Yeah? This will help me since I can barely lift my arm up to open the damn door!

Lesbian Lovechild Alert!

2008-12-24T18:08:00.000-08:00

Just before all of you prepare to open up your little presents and digest some nasty ass undercooked food (alright, that's just my family), Lindsay Lohan has just reminded us to be thankful that we are not a part of her family.

This little ho grabbed a shot of her best Vodka and took to her MySpace blog to tell us that she has a half-sibling.

According to People.com, the lesbian in my life say:

"My father just let my family and [me] know, amongst other [things] that he had another child after my little sister Aliana," Lohan, 22, writes in a post titled "Random Thoughts"
Bitch do you think any of us gives a flying fuck? While half of America is trying to figure out where they'll find another job, Lil' Lez is letting us know what happens in her life. Thanks but no thanks.

Usher knows why...

2008-06-17T12:30:00.000-07:00

Not only is Usher one of the first men to get married to a tranny and make a baby with one, but he also is a acativist for men in this world.

Usher told Vibe magazine he knows why more woman in today's society prefer hamburgers to hot dogs:

"Women have started to become lovers of each other as a result of not having enough men."

Oh shit! This explains why LoHo and Sam decided to bump uglies recently! Were running out of men in this world!

Maybe a group of my 3 readers can go find them.

There will be a cash prize!

Mario Lopez hates successful, sexy girls

2008-06-17T12:16:00.001-07:00

Unless Tom Cruise has locked you in his dungeon with his BFF, Katie Holmes, you would know that Mario Lopez did sexy times with some ho that has a very classy career.

She works at Hooters.

Karina Smirnoff (the other ho that went out with Mario also on Dancing With the Stars also got boned by R&B singer Mario) went on one of the greatest shows in history, Chelsea Lately, last night and said basically said she's been getting over that manwhore as best as she could.

Hey, Karina, you two are over. No need to waste away your beautiful brain on his lameass.

Call me. You know the number. Maybe I should change my name to Mario for easier contacting purposes.